Around the world, women, en masse and too many to count, have shared their experiences of sexual assault, harassment, molestation and intimidation in a global outpouring of identification with the victims of Hollywood film producer Harvey Weinstein. Their shared recognition and empathy have been collated under the trending hashtag #MeToo. In the words of The New Yorker the whole poisonous spectrum of misogyny covered in two mundane words.
I can’t think of one woman in my own circles who has not been the subject of some form of male maltreatment – from catcalling, leering, some stranger pressing up against them on public transport, molested as a child, a man exposing himself to her, through to rape.
Some men are owning their complicity in the mistreatment of women rather than seeking to deny, cover, blame the victim, excuse themselves. Look for #IHave, #ItWasMe and #IWill, where men pledge to act to change this litany of horror. While some have been critical of much of the digital response from men, calling it ‘moral laundering’, the post below is, in my view, honest and not a merely a cheap confession. It was written and shared on Facebook in the name ‘Anon’. (Anon, I’d like to know more about you. Please contact me if you see this).
This is on us, my dudes.
For every time we bent consent – just a little – or were a little too insistent, bought one too many drinks, every joke or comment we let pass, every time we ignored or didn’t believe, every time we stared too long, or took that picture, or made a “move” that wasn’t warranted or appreciated, told someone to smile, a hundred ways every day that we – and I am right there – tried a little too hard to get what we wanted, this is on us. Because this is the culture we built, and the culture we maintain.
None of us – and I mean none of us – know the harm we’ve caused. We can’t, because we don’t talk about it, although women have been telling us this forever. It’s not just the marquee acts of assault, it’s the myriad little everyday stuff that builds this culture.
I look back on my own history, and I am truly, deeply, and forever ashamed at some of my behavior, from years ago, from yesterday. All well within the boundaries of “the game”, the culture, the expectations of male behavior, mind you, but having learned the real impact of these seemingly harmless – promoted as harmless! – behaviors directly from women I care about? Intentionally, unintentionally, doesn’t matter. The impact is the same, and the harm caused is no less painful. And that is all on me, forever.
I have been bullshit more often than not, and I guarantee you that there are women reading this post who are nodding.
We as men cannot look away from this. We cannot ignore that we have leveraged these toxic ideas to get what we want, and I would be willing to bet everything that were we truly honest with ourselves, we’ve all – and I mean all – done something in this realm.
As long as it is #yesallwomen, it is #yesallmen. And I am complicit in this, and that can not be undone.
All we can do – all I can do – is listen, learn, change, challenge, and work to make the future a place where men like us, men with heads full of toxic bullshit and toxic behaviors, don’t exist.
I don’t support social justice for cookies or esteem. I do it because I have a debt to pay down to future generations to not be men like me.”
See also:
36 “Me Too” Tweets That Will Shatter you, Monica Busch, Bustle
As trends often do, the hashtag soon took off across multiple social media platforms, with survivors sharing their stories. Sometimes their tweets detailed horrific sexual assaults; sometimes they simply expressed the relief of finally speaking up in public. Across the board, survivors stood in solidarity with each other, reminding themselves that, if nothing else, they are not alone in their experiences. Read full story here.
