[Warning. May be triggering for survivors of sexual assault]
Last week I commented on the case of a 12-year-old girl pimped then raped by 120 men over a six week period. The media reporting said the men had “had sex with” the girl. I questioned this language, believing it minimised what had actually been done to this child. Jackie posted a comment about her own experience, in which she also felt her abuse was minimised by the language used to describe it. I asked her to elaborate, and give us an insight into the experience of a young woman who has survived not only “a violent, soul-destroying act” but a demoralising court process as well. Thanks Jackie for your bravery. Can you relate to Jackie’s story? I’d like to hear from you.
As a teenager, I was raped repeatedly over a period of two months, by a trusted family member. I was 16-years-old at the time. My abuser was 50. When the police took my statement and later when I started work with a sexual assault counsellor, they both agreed that it was a “textbook case”. The police officer handling my case said there was no doubt in her mind that my abuser had done this before. Both she and my counsellor talked to me about the grooming process. “He groomed you. He knew exactly what he was doing. I have no doubt that he’s done this before.”
I didn’t even realise what was happening at first. I remembered waking up the next morning after the first night of abuse. He went about his day as if nothing had happened and I wondered if I might have dreamt the whole thing – after all, he would never do something like that to me, right? But when he came into my bed again that night, I knew that it was not a dream – it was a nightmare.
Every time he would touch me, every time he would kiss me, every time one of these obscene acts occurred, I would say no. I would tell him that I didn’t want to. I would flinch. I would pull away. But he didn’t stop. Some people might say I didn’t do enough to stop it. That’s certainly what they told me in court. But anyone who says that doesn’t understand the grooming process. Eventually you give up somehow. You just learn to tune out. You have to.
He made me believe that if I told anyone, our family would be ruined, ripped apart, destroyed. And after having just fled a violent home with my mother and two younger siblings, and with my beloved grandmother dying from cancer, I could not take the thought of having my family be destroyed, let alone have me be the cause of such destruction. He knew I was in an incredibly vulnerable situation and he groomed me to believe that he was there to help me through it.
He took advantage of my innocence and vulnerability for his own selfish reasons. My first sexual experiences were with this man. I didn’t get to choose who to share them with. I didn’t get to choose when. There were a million and one tricks that he used to manipulate me into staying quiet. I wonder sometimes, how much of this he might have learnt during his previous work as a police officer.
While I should have been preparing to sit my HSC exams, I was instead preparing to testify in a 10 day criminal trial.
Multiple charges were put forth against the perpetrator, including ‘Indecent assault’ and ‘Sexual intercourse without consent’.’Sexual intercourse without consent’ – it sounds fairly mild doesn’t it? It doesn’t sound like a violent, soul-destroying act. But that is exactly what it was.
It was rape.
I was raped.
He raped me of my self-worth and very nearly raped me of my life.
‘Sexual intercourse without consent’ does not come anywhere close to describing my experience.
My experiences with the legal system began with an investigation into my abuse and a subsequent course case which took place in 2002 and 2003.
Many people are aware of the ineffective handling of these crimes by our legal system. Most people think of this in terms of conviction rates and sentences (which are, of course appalling). What most people don’t think of is the court experience itself -the way the victim is often interrogated more intensely that the perpetrator, the way the legal jargon minimises the victim’s experience, the way you are only allowed to answer questions with short answers before being cut off with a “that is all” or “no further questions” and not permitted to elaborate. This is just another way to silence victims.
When I testified, I was 17. Because of my age I was not allowed to have a partition between myself and my abuser. I had to sit there in court, with a full jury directly opposite, while I was brutally cross-examined. My abuser stood to my left, his eyes burning holes in my skin.
One concession that I was granted during the trial, was a closed court. But that was the only concession. Years after the court trial (which I now believe was worse than my abuse itself), when I first started counselling for the trauma, my sexual assault counsellor was horrified to hear that the only form of court preparation I had been given was a brief tour of the court room, where I was told “the judge will sit there, you will sit here, the jury will be over there….”. I was also not offered any specific sexual assault counselling – I was left to organise it for myself years later.
To go through all of that, just to hear “Not Guilty” over and over and over again. It was horrendous.
My abuser was charged with just six offences. Although there were many, many more instances of abuse, this was all the DPP felt we would be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt. This was not due to their disbelief of anything I disclosed to them, but rather due to the overwhelming amount of evidence that is needed to prove these sorts of things, especially when “the age of consent” comes into play. Five of those charges were for ‘Sexual intercourse without consent’, the other a charge for ‘Indecent assault’. Had I been 15 at the time of my abuse, I would have been classed as a minor and these charges and their penalties would have been very different. In fact, with the evidence we had at hand, my abuser would most likely been convicted of all charges.
Instead, his defence was not to deny any of these acts had taken place, in fact he even went so far as to suggest that many more sexual acts had occurred between us. He painted a picture of a sweet and loving relationship. He told the jury we were in love. I was not in the room when he testified. I was not allowed to be present, in case it influenced my testimony. It seems a little unfair then, doesn’t it, that he got to listen to mine, along with everyone else’s before he made his statements.
Years later I came across the court transcript and read his testimony for the first time. It was the most vile, most repulsive thing I have ever read. It literally made me gag. Not only did I have to read over the things he actually did do to me, but I also had to read over his sick and perverted fantasies – those made up stories about what else was supposed to have occurred between us during our “affair”. I felt disgusted thinking about the people in the court room that day. What must they have thought of me?
So the story was that I was over the age of consent and despite the fact that I said no, despite the fact that I told him I didn’t want it to continue, despite the fact that he was the adult (34 years older than me at the time and in a position of family authority), because I didn’t kick & scream, because I didn’t yell from the rooftop that he was forcing me into unwanted sexual acts, I must have consented. That was it. That was why he got off. He convinced the jury that I consented. He was found ‘Not Guilty’ on the five charges of ‘Sexual intercourse without consent’ and the jury was hung on the ‘Indecent assault’ charge. I could pursue it if I wanted to, but it hardly seemed worth it.
I struggled for many years with severe PTSD to the point where I actually have whole years that I simply don’t remember due to my level of dissociation.
I was terrified of everyone, even my own family. After all, if I couldn’t trust a family member, who I had known and loved since I was three-years-old, who could I trust? I didn’t feel safe anywhere.
If I was home alone and someone rang the doorbell, I would run and hide under the kitchen table, or behind the lounge. I wouldn’t answer the phone and I still don’t unless I know exactly who is on the other end of the line.
I slept in my mum’s bed with her on and off for years – I didn’t feel safe alone in my own room. I had horrendous flashbacks & nightmares. I would see men on the street and swear it was him. I would run off, terrified and not return until hours later.
A month after the court trial, I was very lucky to survive a suicide attempt -directly related to my experiences in court- which I should not have made it through alive, let alone with my full capacities still intact.
I am doing much better now. After years in and out of psychiatric hospitals (where I became known as a “frequent flyer”) and after multiple suicide attempts and a battle with constant and severe self harm, I was finally given the help I needed to arrange specialist sexual assault counselling. Everyone at the hospital knew that my symptoms were related to my abuse, (my worst symptoms always occurred on the anniversaries of the abuse), but still no-one asked me about what had happened. No-one offered me a chance to talk.
Working with my sexual assault counsellor was extremely helpful. She gave me the space and the time to talk about what had happened to me and she helped me explore my thoughts and feelings. Most of all, she helped me to understand the grooming process and to realise that no matter I did, he was still the adult and he had the power. HE had the power.
I think people just avoid the topic and it is understandable – they worry about saying “the wrong thing”, about making it worse, but they also worry about not making it better. They feel uncomfortable and awkward. But most of the time, what we need is not for somebody to say the right thing. In fact we don’t really need for people to say anything at all. What we need is for someone to listen. Because when we had our innocence stolen from us, when we had our bodies stolen, we had our voices stolen too.
When I read stories like this, about the 12-year-old girl, it just breaks my heart. It pains me so much to imagine the horror she has been through, although none of us could really imagine it at all. This girl, this beautiful, innocent child, was raped. Those men did not have ‘sexual intercourse without consent’ with this girl. They raped her.
She is the victim of a tragic and violent, soul-destroying act, so why should we not call it such? Why does society insist on minimising our experiences? When society does this to victims, we are raping them all over. We are telling them that what happened to them didn’t matter, that is wasn’t “big”, that it wasn’t important. We are telling them that it really wasn’t “that bad”.
If you are a victim of sexual assault you can find help here.
18 Responses
Hi Jackie,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I really believe that women like yourself who are brave and speak out about their experience are the ones who will change the world for the better. What happened to you was so incredibly wrong and the way you were treated in the court process just despicable. I’m so glad you’ve found some support and you’re doing better now.
Jackie I felt terribly sad to read about your pain. Thank you for sharing.
Why does society insist on minimising our experiences? What a powerful question you asked.
I feel strongly that rape should be recognised as the repulsive act (or acts if reoccurring) and those responsible should be charged accordingly. It’s a crime. Rape is rape – how can this be lessened?
I relate to you and understand what it is like to have innocence stolen; body stolen, and our voice stolen too. I have found my voice again after many years of abuse and rape. I am learning to strengthen my voice daily.
But there are some things we can never get back. But we can help others via the strength of our story. (As you have done here).
Thank you.
No doubt people will come on here and try and weaken the message of what you have said and what you have experienced. I have been watching other blog posts relating to this issue and seen it done. This doesn’t take away from the very fact that you were wronged.
Hoping you are able to strengthen your voice too.
Thanks Jackie… For allowing yourself to talk through this in a public space even though it must make you feel vulnerable. I know it’s not something that all victims can bring thselves to do so your willingness to speak out representatively is even more important! It’s testimonies like yours that will hopefully bring change – change that stops our courts from being another place of abuse!
Jackie, I had no idea of the whole court process thing. That you had to endure such torture after your abuse is horrifying, along with the minimalising of what happened through the language used to describe the crime.Thank you for speaking out. You are a tremendously courageous young woman. Everyone needs to hear what you are saying.
Thank you for sharing your story. There is nothing I can say to that that would do it justice, and I won’t try.
I am curious about ideas to improving the system, though. The police efforts don’t seem to be a problem here. That meshes with my impression of the police behaviour more generally. Often they are the ones most disenchanted with the legal system, as people they know to be guilty repeatedly get off when the cases comes to trial.
Mandatory professional counselling at the start of such an investigation might be good. It may also help the court case, as there will then be a professional able to take the stand and say there is no way this wasn’t abuse, given my years of professional experience.
Calling the charge ‘rape’ I can go along with. Personally, I don’t think the name should matter much if the rest of the system is not so heavily weighted against the accuser in a case like this.
I’m also thinking we should nationalise the age of consent laws to make them consistent Australia wide. Perhaps it’s worth considering a sliding age scale as well. There is clearly less of a problem with a sexual relationship between 16 and 18 year olds then there is between a 16 year old and a 40 year old authority figure.
I think it may also be time to revisit the jury system entirely. A large part of the reason for the theatrics that caused the trial to be a hostile environment is the need to convince a jury. These are people who don’t want to be there and probably don’t have any formal ethics training. Perhaps a panel of 5 judges would be better for every case. The necessity of the defence to destroy the witness should be substantially reduced, as the judges should not be as easily swayed by such pantomime.
It may be worth formalising some of these ideas and pushing them around to various legal groups and academics, and eventually politicians. We all want a system where those actually guilty of causing harm are prevented from doing so again, while having scope to handle the grey area cases (such as vehicular manslaughter).
Jackie you are amazing. Amazing to write so passionately and articulately about your experiences and amazing to have survived. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are such a brilliant advocate for girls like the one in the recent article, who are written about so glibly when their suffering should never, ever go unacknowledged. I am so sorry that this happened to you: your treatment from the court system beggars belief. Thanks again for sharing, it means much that voices like yours are out there.
Thank you for your trust and courage Jackie. You deserve all the support you get (and more).
As to the court process, I believe you were a victim of the paramount principle that is “innocent until proven guilty”. Unfortunately, when we can’t prove someone’s guilt, justice is denied. Isn’t it sad?
I believe your attacker will receive exactly what he deserves when he dies, namely a lake of fire. It’s the only justice I have faith in.
I fully concur with you that our language needs to change on sexual assault. Rape is what it is, and that’s what it should be called.
I hope you eventually have the sex life you deserve.
Wow, thankyou for sharing Jackie. I’ve had a similar experience with the courts, but merely the victim in an unfair dismissal case. I felt belittled and powerless, and they stole my self-esteem, but that’s all. You, on the other hand, wow. You’re so brave.
Hi Jackie,
Thank you so much for sharing. Your courage is inspirational. It was a horrible thing that happened to you, and I’m so sorry that it did. So undeserved, so unfair.
The court system and lack of support throughout is such an eye-opener, and it is clear why this added so much to your trauma. The courts is where justice should be served, not torture delivered.
I am so glad to read at the end that you have been able to find some help that is actually helpful.
Even though you once had your voice taken away from you, you have it back and are using it to speak up and out. Well done.
Sophie
Hi Jackie,
I am so sorry to hear of your sufferings. This pains me very much as does the report about the poor little girl. Surely there will be justice just not in this world. You can be sure that these perpetrators will receive the punishment due to them and how more terrible to suffer in the afterlife than on earth! This doesn’t make me happy either but it is justice. Better if the crimes were never committed. You deserve sooo much better beginning with an apology. Please, please be kind to yourself. Lots of love and prayers. Catherine xoxo
I am so sorry that you have had this experience in you life, Jackie – from the sexual abuse to the betrayal by our “justice” system and the emotional scars you carry. Life isn’t supposed to be like this for anyone, and you deserved more. We all do.
Like you, my abuser will not see justice in this lifetime. Like you – my abuser was my first sexual experience and like you, he stole from me something that can never be replaced. I’m sorry you went through it too. I wish I could tell you that it stops eventually. I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay and that you’ll feel safe and be able to pick up the phone and answer the door and that you’ll never want to hurt yourself again. But I can’t because years on I still carry my abuse close to my heart and years on, it’s still stealing my life.
You give me hope – because I am still so new to the healing process. Thank you for sharing your story. xx
Hi Jackie
shame on him and shame on the people in the system for their lack of human decency.
Hold your head up high!
X
Thank you, Jackie for your courage in facing your abuser in court and in telling your story. Most people do not realise the long term damage caused by rape and sexual assault and the struggle that victims have to live a normal life.
My own experience of sexual assault was much less traumatic, yet I continue to unwillingly suffer its after effects.
I was assaulted during medical treatment. At first I thought that the contact was unintended, but as it continued and I objected he said, “I thought you were enjoying that.” I felt horrified that he could think that of me and left as soon as I could.
But, what next? There were no witnesses. After much soul searching, I made the decision to report him only to discover that he had already been committed for trial on similar charges. Thanks to the brave woman who faced him in court, I did not need to. He changed his plea to guilty.
But that was not the end. I developed eczema on the parts of my body where I was assaulted which spread until I was an itching, weeping, bleeding mess unable to sleep and forced to fruitlessly seek further medical treatment. And those were just the physical effects. Suddenly, when I least expect it or am most vulnerable I flashback to that terrible moment when the trust I placed in a medical professional was breached.
And I was a happily married mother of 3 children, not a lonely unsupported girl.
Today, my assailant is free again and I still suffer the eczema mitigated only by an expensive nutritional supplement for which there is no subsidy.
I hope and pray that he will never be allowed to ‘treat’ anyone else ever again. I still find it hard to believe that in the time between being charged and his committal hearing he assaulted and/or raped at least 10 other patients.
I am so sorry Jackie……I know it does not change what has happened but hopefully though forums such as collective shout we can begin to change a system that is so unjust. When a person can get off scott free for unspeakable crimes such as these, it tells me that something needs to change.. It makes me feel sick that men such as these are still running loose in our society. I want to do all that I can to help change a system and society that has wronged and continues to wrong so many!!! Hold your head up high Jackie…..you have done nothing wrong! Society has repeatedly wronged you…..thank you for your bravery! and openess in sharing somthing that is is so hurtful to you!
Thank you Jackie for courageously speaking out concerning how the legal system too, silenced you and ensured the male rapist’s lies given far greater weight and creditability.
I happen to know how the adversarial legal system operates in respect of trying males charged with rape and how the system ensures the woman/girl is not even allowed to rebut the lies and insinuations defence counsel commonly charge her with. Far too many men and too many women too believe the innumerable rape myths and misogyny concerning women’s and girls’ supposedly innate untrustworthiness and who all supposedly seek to take revenge on ‘poor innocent respectable men.’
The toll these lies and misogynistic myths has on women and girl survivors of men’s sexual violence committed against them is appalling and whilst I know every woman and girl survivor does not have identical ways of dealing with the fallout and trying to survive, it takes great bravery to even dare to challenge dominant beliefs that men who commit rape and/or other forms of sexual violence are ‘isolated incidents’ rather than common and all too often committed by known so-called ‘respectable males.’
Even worse there are far too few specialist centres wherein women and girl survivors can find professional and caring support. Instead women and girl survivors are expected to ‘get over it because it wasn’t supposedly that bad!’ Just shows how little society knows and even wants to know – because it is always far, far easier to believe the lies and myths hurled at women and girl survivors rather than seeing and beginning to understand how our male supremacist society not only excuses, but also blatantly actively works to ensure men who commit rape are all too commonly acquitted.
Women and girl survivors of men’s sexual violence committed against them are commonly placed in a double bind by our society – damned if they ‘do not get over it quickly’ and damned ‘if they do not display or show supposedly appropriate reactions after a male has raped and/or subjected them to sexual violence.’ Even worse when the male rapist is a trusted family member , the woman/girl survivor is blamed because she should have known how to prevent the male rapist from committing sexual violence against her.
The fact the male rapist is commonly very maniuplative, cunning and devious is ignored because the focus is always on the actions/behaviour of the female survivor never the male rapist.
This is why it is never ‘unlawful sexual intercourse’ but rape because rape is never a victimless crime – it is a crime committed overwhelmingly by males against females because our society condones and justifies such male violence. Trivialising and hiding the realities of rape by using euphemisms only serves to benefit those males who choose to commit rape and also those rape apologists who believe ‘real rape’ only occurs when it is the stereotypical mythical male monster lurking in the bushes – never the ‘oh so respectable male who everyone thinks would never commit such a crime.’
Women and girl survivors are not passive victims and yes they do eventually heal to a certain extent but how they do so differs from woman to woman and from girl to girl. The pain and suffering male rapists cause can never be erased, because survivors never know when a flashback or triggering event is going to happen.
The most important thing women and men too can do is to listen to the survivor and never, ever tell her she should have done this or that. Even better educate yourselves about the realities of male sexual violence and the immense long-term harm these males cause to so many women and girls. Jackie’s story is not an isolated one because sadly male sexual violence against women and girls is common but the male-dominated media consistently denies and trivialises this crime and ensures only the most sensational and ‘titilating stories’ are reported so as to ensure readership is always in high numbers.
Male sexual violence against women and girls is never ‘erotic’ or ‘entertaining’ it is a deliberate method of maintaining male power and male domination over all women and girls.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope it allows other people not to be silenced even further for inhumane acts that have be forced upon them against their own will.
I can relate to your experince about the legal system. I too was raped and also reported it to the police. The police process and the legal system was much worse than the rape itself. It took almost two years for my case to be processed and for the trial to begin. I can say that was the worst day of my life when testifying against the person that raped me.
It seemed the accused had more rights than the victims. The DPP was poorly prepared and referred to me by a wrong name on several occasions. I understand that funding for the DPP is not great and their work loads are high but it is no excuse for being under prepared. It does not surprise me why so many people choose not to go to police and why the conviction rate is very low.
In the two years that my case was getting ready my life changed. I developed depression, slef harm and an eating disorder. This was made worse by weekly meetings with the police. There was no chance of letting what happened out of my mind and there has not been a day since where i have not thought about what happened.
My outcome was not guilty. One moment i will never forget is the foreman reading back the verdict. I looked at the jury and several members were in tears. The foreman whom was male struggled to verbalise the verdict. He was also in tears.
The DPP explained to me, that there was a medical stuff up which may have casted doubt. There was no doubt over what happened. That i was let down by the system. SO whilst the person that raped me gets to walk free I am left with my life in pieces due to the strict and poor legal system that we have in place to protect society.
I may have been silenced by the law, but i will never be silenced about what has happened. The person that raped me will never capture my voice or my power again.