*Trigger warning for survivors of sexual assault
Yesterday ABC The Drum Unleashed published my piece ‘New song by Delta’s man promotes rape myth’ about Brian McFadden’s new single, released Monday, titled ‘Just as you are (Drunk at the Bar)’ which contains the lines:
I like you just the way you are, drunk as shit dancing at the bar, I can’t wait to take you home so I can do some damage
I like you just the way you are, drunk as shit dancing at the bar, I can’t wait to take you home so I can take advantage
Collective Shout ran a blog post on the same issue, titled ‘Don’t be that guy Brian McFadden’. Feministing picked it up too, in a piece titled ‘Pop star Brian McFadden pens new ode to date rape’ describing the song as “a gift for the committee in charge of picking a new national anthem for the Republic of Daterapia.”
An anonymous woman bravely posted the comment below on Collective Shout’s site . If anything should shame Brian McFadden – and all involved in the song’s production and distribution, including Universal Music – for creating a single making light of sexual exploitation – it is what she has written. Brian McFadden says his song is ‘tongue-in-cheek’. Tell that to women like this and all those other women and girls preyed upon and sexually violated.
This song leaves a particularly bad taste in my mouth as I was actually done some damage to after being taking advantage of. A drunken night which saw me going home to a “friends” house to hang out, and then being dropped off in the morning by one of his friends. Well, let’s just say I have a huge gap in my memory, and a huge hole in my heart after the incident. This hole only formed though, when I heard from a friend that the “friends” friend had sex with me that night. Charming. It’s taken me a few years to come to terms with what happened and the resulting anxiety and shameful feelings have been horrible. I haven’t told anyone about the fact that I don’t remember anything and I WOULD NEVER have consented to having sexual intercourse with the person if I was coherent enough to say no. I can’t speak up about it though because I doubt anyone will believe me, and as everyone will think, I brought it on myself, getting that drunk.
I asked Nina Funnell, anti sexual violence campaigner and herself a survivor of sexual assault, how she would respond. This is her answer – to Anon and to all women like her.
Dear Anon
I would like to start by commending you on your bravery in being able to articulate your experience of sexual abuse so openly and eloquently. I am saddened however, to say that while your experience is yours and yours alone-and no one has the right to claim they know how you feel- many other women will find echoes of their own experiences in your words.
Your response to what has happened to you is very normal. It often takes victims years to come to terms with what they have experienced. Some never do. The resulting shame and anxiety you feel is also completely normal for someone who has experienced what you have, however I must stress that while feelings of shame and self blame are very typical following an assault (as they are a function of PTSD) you are in no way to blame and the shame rests with him and him alone: getting drunk is not a crime. Sexually assaulting a drunk person is not only criminal, it is a low, vile, predatory act that has to do with a power, dominance and a desire to exert control over another person.
So often we hear the myths that “drunk girls are asking for trouble” and that “men can’t control their lust”. Firstly, no person has ever “asked” to be sexually assaulted. This is a myth which is used to excuse the actions of perpetrators by shifting the blame onto victims.
Secondly, sexual assault is not a function of uncontrollable lust. This myth is not only inaccurate but it is also insulting to men as it casts them as slaves to base, animal emotions. If I were a man I would be eager to knock this myth on its head. If it were true that sexual assault is a result of sexual lust then men would be raping attractive women in the cereal aisle at Coles. We’d also have to ban men from the beach during summer.
The truth is that research shows that men who sexually assault women do so in a calculated fashion based on three primary factors.
1) Access to the victims: perpetrators select or groom potential victims whom they have direct access to. It is a deliberate and thought through process.
2) Perceptions of the victim’s vulnerability: perpetrators choose victims they perceive as being more vulnerable than others. But it is important to note that vulnerability can take many forms. Women who are unconscious or heavily intoxicated may be more vulnerable than other women. Perpetrators must always be held 100% accountable for their actions and it is nonsense to suggest that the more drunk a woman is, the less responsibility a man has to take for his own behaviour. Disturbingly, perpetrators also identify and prey on other types of vulnerabilities. For example, blind, deaf, physically and intellectually disabled women are sexually assaulted at a much higher rate than the rest of the population. This is because they are perceived by some as being more vulnerable and less likely to report to police- particularly if they have trouble with communication skills or if they are dependent on their abuser (such as if their abuser is a carer). Perpetrators also target other populations which are perceived as being more vulnerable either physically (such as children or incapacitated women), socially (such as individuals who have no strong friendship or social networks who might encourage them to report), women who are dependent on the abuser in some way (such as in cases where the abuser is in a position of power such as an adult relative or boss) or perpetrators who know that their victims are unlikely to be able to access support and judicial services for a range of other reasons (such as sex workers who are often not believed, victims in same-sex relationships or victims who have previously had consensual sex with the abuser- such as wives and girlfriends).
3) The likelihood of them being caught and reported on: Perpetrators also weigh up the likelihood of being interrupted by a witness or witnesses and they make a series of calculated decisions based on location and risk. In particular perpetrators often manipulate victims into a location where they have more control over the situation. This is all done to avoid detection and to maintain power over the situation and the victim.
The point of this is to stress that rape doesn’t happen by accident. Research shows that perpetrators know what they are doing and they make a series of detailed decisions around their behaviour. So it is ludicrous to suggest that men can’t help it. The overwhelming majority of men never rape. Those who do, do so deliberately and must be held to full account.
The next thing to say is that silence is not consent. “I’m not sure” is not consent. “Maybe later” is not consent. “Yes” tonight is not “yes” tomorrow night. Consent must be active and given freely and without any force, pressure or coercion by someone who has the capacity to consent each and every time. You clearly did not give consent. You are not to blame AT ALL and full responsibility lies with him and him ALONE.
I also note that you feel concerned that you would be either blamed or not believed if you spoke out. I wish I could tell you, “no! you are wrong!” but your concern is not irrational or unjustified. Unfortunately we still live in a society where victim blaming mentalities exist. Approximately 85% of victims will never report to police because they do not trust the justice system. And with the odd exception, this is justified. Less than 1% of sexual assault cases in NSW are successfully prosecuted.
Victims do often disclose to a family member or trusted friend. But unfortunately even those who love us are often schooled in the same victim-blaming mentalities as the rest of society and they usually blame the victim, interrogate them as though they don’t believe them, or minimize the experience by saying things like “maybe you are exaggerating” or “maybe you just misinterpreted things”. BUT THERE IS HOPE!
So we are clear about this, a person’s capacity to recover (and recovery is possible!) is directly dependent on a number of factors (including the relationship they hold with the abuser, the length of time between the assault or assaults and the decision to speak out, the nature of counselling (if any) they receive on disclosure, prior mental illness or drug and alcohol dependence …. Etc etc). But without question, the number one thing that determines a person’s ability to recover is the types of attitudes they encounter on disclosure. Victims who are believed, supported, not judged, and treated with the dignity, compassion and respect they deserve are far more likely to recover than those who are blamed, humiliated or not believed.
As a community it is vital that we support survivors and their supporters. There are three things I always tell survivors who disclose to me.
1) I am sorry this has happened to you (translation: “I believe you”).
2) What has happened to you is a crime (translation: “you are not to blame”)
3) I will do whatever I can to help (translation: “you are not alone”).
These were things I wished someone had said to me when I was sexually assaulted almost four years ago. While we cannot all be counsellors it is my hope that we can better educate the public so that those of us who fall into the role of an accidental counsellor (this is someone who is not a trained counsellor but who finds themselves- unexpectedly- on the end of a disclosure) can better respond to survivors with empathy, compassion and a desire to protect their best interest.
I also want to stress that while it is wise and prudent to think through who you can disclose to (as some people just don’t get it), there are expert counselling services out there (which are also free!) for individuals who have experienced sexual assault and for those who support them. I can firmly recommend the following.
NSW Rape Crisis Centre offers a 24/7 hotline run by trained experts for survivors and anyone supporting a survivor. Their number is 1800 424 017. They also have a live 24/7 real time internet counsellor, because sometimes it’s often less confronting to type rather than to have to speak out loud. The link to that service can be found on their website here.
A nationwide service can also be reached on 1800 RESPECT. This line is run by trained experts for victims of sexual assault or domestic violence- as well as their supporters.
Most of all I wish for you to know that you are not alone and that there is a community of us out there who really do care about you and who are appalled by what you have experienced. Please, PLEASE know that what you have experienced is not just an abuse. It is a HUMAN RIGHTS abuse and that there are many- like me- who care. Reading your words moved me to write this post. I hope it has some impact- no matter how small.
12 Responses
Dear Anon, thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. I posted a comment on Collective Shout about nights of being so drunk I “lost” whole sections of the night, even though I was conscious and still carrying on conversations. Although I was never assaulted, I certainly had encounters and experiences that I would never ever have allowed had I been sober. I was not in a position to say no (or yes) , so they were not my fault. I say the same to you – what happened to you is NOT your fault. Yes, you were drunk… but it’s not that hard to recognise when a person is too drunk to make a coherent decision. The person who assaulted you took complete advantage of your vulnerable state and committed a CRIME. You are not to blame in any way. Not one little bit.
I am an abuse survivor and so I know that shame and self-blame can be absolutely crippling. Even when we know, rationally, that something is not our fault it’s still so hard to really BELIEVE that, and to overcome the shame. I fully understand that, but I want to assure you that with the right help it does get better and healing is possible. It can be a hard road and it totally sucks that you have to be on this road when you did nothing wrong, but you WILL heal eventually.
Thank you again for being so brave.
I would like to thank you Nina for writing this response. I am familiar with your work and I admire you, and your courage so much. There are mixed feelings for me on the whole situation. I didn’t really want to talk about it, or share it with anyone, I was kind of just compelled to do it, as I thought someone had to detail just how bad the song was for those who have been in that situation. A tipsy night of consential sex between a boyfriend and girlfriend (which is what Brian is using as his defense to the lyrics) is not what the song triggers for me. It takes me right back to a situation which I have brushed aside for a long time. The reason I shared my experience is because I wanted to stress how triggering the lyrics can be for someone who has been taken advantage of.
Your suggestion of disclosing to someone is definitely something I am thinking of doing. It’s so much easier doing it as an anon, and saying it outloud to someone will be very difficult to me. I think it will be a positive step for me though as it will help share the weight of the whole experience, which at the moment I am carrying myself. However, sharing it with someone will be hard as it will mean I can’t be in denial about it anymore. So that’s going to be scary. Luckily, I have been able to turn the whole thing into a bit of positive in that I am becoming more and more involved in feminism, and attempting to educate myself on rape culture. It makes me feel so much better that people like yourself and Melinda do care about women and sexual assault victims, and are trying to help in every way possible.
I did not want to alarm anyone or upset anyone by sharing my experience. I am hoping that it highlights how bad and triggering the lyrics are. If there are others like me who have gone through the same thing or much worse I would hate them to have to feel the way I have. A girlfriend of mine recently disclosed to me that she was also date raped. It seems to me that maybe the statistics or occurances of rape are actually so much higher than what is reported?
Thanks again for replying to me. It means so much to me, and thanks also to melinda who shared it with you. Maybe when I’m ready I’ll be able to share it with someone (I am thinking of sharing it with my girlfriend who has also been assaulted).
This brings up so much for me. I don’t really know where to begin. It was such a long time ago, but it still hurts and humiliates me, some 20 years later.
I was about 16. I went to a party hoping to see a boy that I really liked. I got way too drunk and my friends tucked me into a bed at the house to recover. The boy I really liked then came into the room and tried his luck, but seemed to realise nothing was going to happen. Maybe 10 minutes later, his friend came in and he too tried his luck, however he was more determined. I have no doubt that if my friends hadn’t come back to check on me when they did, he would have raped me. He already had my clothes undone and had his hand inside me.
Later that night, after I had sobered up, we went to another friends house and I told my friends what had happened. They confronted the guy involved and he outright denied it. I never reported it and I never spoke of it again to anybody. The guy on the other hand ran around telling everybody that I was a liar and a bitch and that I was just pissed off because he wouldn’t have sex with me. I was humiliated.
So, Brian McFadden, do you think this is something to poke fun at? Does my story deserve it’s own catchy tune and rounds of laughter and applause because you were so clever to come up with something witty that ultimately diminishes the trauma of my experience and belittles my feelings about it?
I’m really ever so glad that we live in a society where cretins like you can influence a whole new generation of young boys and men to sexually assault women and girls and then have a big old laugh about it later on… not to mention make yourself rich at our expense. (That was sarcasm, in case you hadn’t quite picked up on it, and yes, I’m more than a little angry over your stupid song)
Maybe, Brian, you should consider that you have little girls growing up. I hope to God that they are never sexually assaulted by boys who have listened to your song and think it’s hilarious to ‘take advantage’ of your daughters while drunk, so they can ‘do some damage’ to them.
Dear Nicole and Anon
Thank you for sharing your stories. My heart breaks for you. I send you thoughts (or prayers, which ever you prefer) for peace and healing. You are not to blame and I urge you to seek help to come to terms with this and maybe have the courage to report it even if it goes no where at least it will be on record for them so that they may be caught in the future.
Keep speaking out about this song just maybe he will hear your stories and have a change of heart. Here’s hoping!
love and hugs to you both!
It was pretty routine back in the late ’80s, early ’90s both here and with the expat boys on my OE in London to get too drunk, and for the “lad” to claim to be unfit to drive, missed the last tube or whatever. You would then be hassled until you agreed to sex just so that you could get some sleep.
We may have consented but our lack of aggression in not telling the sods to f-off shouldn’t be be misread. Ultimately we’d feel taken advantage of. A bit nicer, wait a few dates and these lads could have had all the action they wanted – after all they got that far.
Instead they’d be cut from our memories and we try to innoculate our daughters from the same experiences and educate our sons to have more sense (respect would be good too)
Thank you Nina for highlighting the important place of the accidental counsellor. My hope is that people that find themselves in this role will follow the 3 steps you mentioned above:
1) I am sorry this has happened to you (translation: “I believe you”).
2) What has happened to you is a crime (translation: “you are not to blame”)
3) I will do whatever I can to help (translation: “you are not alone”).
I salute you for speaking out and providing support for so many victims.
Nina,
What a wonderful piece you have written. I will be printing this off and showing people. It is so well written and I applaud you for taking the time to write this for Anon, but for all also.
Some days I feel ashamed to be a male. The situation of Anon is sadly not an isolated one.
I am so sorry that horrid situation has happened to you Anon.
I know from my youth that the drive in a male can be powerful but also needs to be in control.
It seems that so many men feel it is their masculine right to be hormonally driven. I would call it having their brains hanging between their legs.
A real man has the ability to control his drives.
A song that glorifies taking advantage of another, really speaks of the writer/singer and where their brain is.
This behaviour is getting glorified by footballers musicians and CEO’s, it just makes me feel they are over paid, oversexed and out of control.
I am grateful for the platform that Melinda has in her blog and her work. I do find it too difficult to read some articles, but this one is one story I have heard too often.
Dear Phil
I’m sorry that you feel that shame and yet thankful to hear from a man who does. Too often I ask myself where the men are and what they are doing/saying about (a) how bad this is and (b) the damage “doing some damage” does to them, too.
I’m fed up with being asked to ‘educate’ a male friend. I’m fed up with being asked to argue my case and defend my experience of being raped. I’m fed up with my critiques of rape apologism and sexism being brushed off if people learn that I have been assaulted – as if only a ‘cleanskin’ can make a critique that deserves consideration. Each time this happens I ask myself: where are the men? If theirs are the voices that are going to be given more respect, then why the fuck are they still a minority when it comes to speaking out? What are they doing amongst themselves, and in public spaces?
Phil, thank you again for your response as I’m sure it’s genuine. Give me some hope? Tell me what else you plan to do about this other than make a statement to a (probably) sympathetic audience that you feel shame? I want to hear more men like you doing the work in the places where it might just make a difference.
Dear Anon
Thanks for these comments. Please be gentle with yourself and know that if you do decide to access any support services you should do so in your own time, at your own pace and only if you feel completely comfortable doing so. I appreciate how difficult that can be for anyone who has suffered a serious sexual assault.
I also want to thank you for highlighting this issue of ‘triggering’. In Australia about one in five women will experience sexual assault and for many, there are cultural triggers which can cause deep distress and flashbacks to the abuse. To be clear about this, a flashback is more than a mere memory. Often when people experience flashbacks, their physiology actually changes (increased heart rate, adrenaline release, pupils dialate etc). The feeling of a flashback and the anxiety response it produces can actually be incredibly distressing and- at times- can feel like a person is re-experiencing an assault.
I am very sorry to hear that this song has been triggering for you, although I think it is important to highlight to those who haven’t ever experienced a sexual-assault flashback, just how distressing they can be and how irresponsible and insensitive it is for individuals like McFadden to have written such garbage.
I am very glad to hear that you have been able to try to turn your experience into a platform to learn and strengthen your understanding of these issues. (Indeed that was my way of coping!) I honestly wish you all the best on your path to recovery and as I say I truly commend you for having the courage to even “go there” and write about your experience.
xx
nina
wow i would be a bunch of stupid chicks that would try and bring a black person down as USUAL. shit if you dont like the video dont watch shit always got to be about you, but of course if it would of been a white guy singing no one would care
Anonymous you might want to take another look at Brian McFadden. I think you will find he is a white guy.