Dolly Doctor this issue deals with oral sex. Parents with younger Dolly readers in the family may want to be aware of that and be prepared to talk about it with them (Dolly has featured’ Readers of the month’ who are 11). Also, although the age of consent is 16, the article opens with 15-year-old Sarah who is considering it. Consent and possible legal considerations are not mentioned.
Dolly says “even though you’re not having penetrative sex, there are still serious consequences when it comes to oral sex.” Now I’m no sexologist, but I’m not sure Dolly has got this right. Perhaps the writer means you’re not having sexual intercourse as typically understood? In the practice of fellatio, I’m pretty sure something goes into a mouth. And in male to female oral sex, a vagina can be penetrated also. I checked with Susan McLean, former policewoman of over 20 years standing and specialist on cybersafety, young people and legal issues. She responded:
Oral Sex is sex just the same as vaginal (penis/vagina) and digital (finger/vagina) and ALL are covered by age of consent laws. You can be charged with rape for example in any of the above cases. Sexual penetration laws also cover all the above plus more, anal sex and use of implements to penetrate. Consent needs to be explained as you cannot give consent under age, cannot give consent when under the influence of drugs/alcohol, cannot give consent if fearful, coerced etc
Girls are warned that they can still contract STI’s from oral sex. Emotional issues are raised. Tegan, 16, felt vulnerable even though it was with her boyfriend. “Even though I knew he cared about me, I started feeling resentment towards him. It made me realise I hadn’t done it for me and I wasn’t ready,” she said. Psychologist Gemma Cribb says: “Becoming sexual before one person is ready can damage the bond in your relationship. This is why you need to keep up communication.” Girls are told they can be comfortable with saying no. “You’ll know it’s too early if you find yourself getting anxious about the prospect of sexual intimacy, or you try avoiding one-on-one time together,” says Cribb. Readers are also reminded they can change their mind at any time.
Girls are offered 5 points to help them consider if they are ‘ready’ to “transition from kissing”. The assumption, given the subject of the piece, could be that this means from kissing to oral. Aren’t there lots of other things in between kissing and oral? In another section ‘Your Biggest Questions Answered’, given the level of pressure girls are under to provide sexual acts, (as mentioned in my previous review of Girlfriend ) the last is significant: “What if I don’t want to do it and he doesn’t want to be with me?” The response is: “It’s your body so NEVER do anything you’re not totally comfortable with. Lots of girls rush into things because they want to please their partner or think they’ll be called a prude if they wait,” says Cribb. “Linking your self-worth to sexual acts is not OK. If they’re not willing to go at your pace, they’re not worthy of you!” Read full review here
As published on Generation Next blog
7 Responses
Saying “He’s not worthy of you” is pretty meaningless when there aren’t any guys around who are any better, and your set esteem desperately needs the affirmation your boyfriend is giving you (most of the time).
Just to say for Alison’s sake – the point about the guy being ‘not worthy of you’ needs to be fleshed-out a little. It means that if he is forcing his needs, then he is controlled by urges which debase him and his object of fantasy.
After the event, he won’t like what he has done because his soul wouldn’t have been in it. It’s then easy to scapegoat the girl. Such as by saying – if only she was more perfect/saintly/sexy, then I would have valued myself and her more, and not done this.
We are called to live intelligent lives. This was said by a priest at a Mass during my husband and my honeymoon. The problem with relying upon anyone to bolster up my self-esteem is that resentment and feeling ‘taken hostage’ flows from this. At another level, this is not transcendental love. It does not help us or others to choose to love, to act and thereby to emerge as a person.
My friend Jesus is the coolest man and the fact he’s also God helps me to love my husband better. Because Jesus told Luke and all other men, that they are meant to love their wife like their own body. In the Song of Songs love poem, it is the girl who does not want to wake her lover from his sleep, and asks people to go away so he can sleep longer. Protective, possessive love belongs in marriage.
It sounds like Dolly has written an incredibly shallow article. Transition from kissing? There is already an expectation on girls that its “only a matter of time” before this act will be expected of them. Here’s a radical idea – what if she never, ever wants to give oral sex? ie. she’s never “ready.” Is that even an option anymore? Or are we all just accepting – and communicating to girls! – that this is just something you have to do. The only question is “readiness” and time.
These magazines are crap. :/
I thought i was ready but i wasnt. i did anything to make him happy and i feel terrible and i think everyone is talking about me. 🙁
it has taken me a long time to realise that if my self esteem is desperately needing a type of affirmation from my boyfriend, that is me performing sexual acts, then maybe that isn’t necessarily a healthy thing. i know at times it really doesn’t seem as though there are better guys around Alison, but really there are. “He’s not worthy of you” isn’t meaningless. It’s actually a really important questions more girls should be asking themselves. “is he worthy of me?” as the woman i am and the woman who i want to be, not the woman he thinks i should be. Too many young boys are seeing a certain version of womanhood in pornography that is not accurate, and it is creating a distorted perception of how a woman should be both physically and sexually. The majority of women do not look like that and do not ( if they are truly honest and true to themselves) enjoy sexual things that way. Women don’t need that affirmation from their boyfriend if it isn’t genuine, caring affirmation that encourages, supports and builds you up as you being just the way you are. You should never be made to feel like you need to change for your boyfriend.
i had a constant stream of forced sexual experiences. I got to a point where i started to believe this was normal or acceptable, i had no self-worth. I always felt that i needed to perform. It was seldom about my own pleasure in the experience. I would lie there feeling empty and sickened within myself. I thought i wanted this type of affirmation from men, and at times i didn’t have a choice if i received it or not. I am now 24, and i am only just beginning to realise that i deserve better than that, and i will never ever be made to feel that again. We have become accustomed to putting up with this treatment and pressure from boys.It’s time girls re-discover the importance of keeping parts of themselves off limits, rather than just giving themselves to any any guy that demands it. I think this is why it is so important to ask “is he worthy of this sacred part of me?”
Oh Sad, I’m so sorry to hear that. The things you have done don’t have to define you, no matter what anyone says. Do you have a close friend or person you can trust to talk about it with? You don’t have to go through this alone. Hugs.