As I wrote in my Sunday Herald Sun piece on the weekend, we rarely hear from those who don’t end up with a baby at the end of the line. We mostly hear the success stories. So I thought it important to give this letter some prominence here. Nick Parissis wrote to me about the experience of himself and his wife Joann.
Dear Melinda
My name is Nick and my wife’s name is Joanna. I read your article today in The Sunday Herald Sun in relation to IVF and wanted to thank you for enlightening the wider community about the truths associated with IVF and adoption in Australia.
My wife and I are both in our early 40’s and have been married for 6 years. In 2008 our only child Connor was conceived through normal pregnancy however was born premature at 24 weeks for no explainable reason. Despite the amazing work undertaken by the staff at the Mercy hospital, Connor passed away after 15 days. Again doctors could not give us any explanation as to why Connor passed away. We were informed after his passing that when premature babies such as Connor get to the stage he was at, ie breathing predominantly on their own and requiring lower doses of medication approximately, only 1 in 500 don’t survive. Unfortunately for Connor and us, he was the 1.
Due to the emergency classical caesarean which my wife went through to deliver Connor, we had to wait approximately 1 year before we could try for another child. This time was used for grieving Connor. Jo managed to fall pregnant once again naturally about a year after we lost Connor however that pregnancy did not progress past the 10th or so week. We tried for about another year or so naturally but were unable to conceive.
We had all sorts of tests done and were given no definitive reason as to why Jo was not falling pregnant. So about 14 months after the miscarriage we decided to go down the IVF path. We did all the pre IVF screening and found it unfair and unnecessary that we even had to do criminal background checks despite both of us being serving members of Victoria Police. Through our employment we have both witnessed many people becoming new parents who we know are not in a position to adequately care for and raise a child in a suitable manner. We also met with IVF counsellors and went through all the information and began treatment.
We lost count of the amount of IVF cycles we went through over a period of approximately 18 months, and also the amount of times people would tell us that “this time it will happen, have faith etc”. Financially it almost crippled us (some $35000) was spent. If we had a baby to care for as a result every last dime would have been well spent. Every time we would go in for an egg transfer the doctor would tell us that the particular embryo looked good and that he was positive about that particular procedure. However all his positive spin resulted in nothing at the end of the day.
After approximately 18 months we gave up IVF due to monetary constraints but also due to the mental health of us both. In your article you mention about the women’s experiences in regards to their health. Jo went through all of what you mention, but I also went through similar feelings and have battled depression for the past year. My doctor and psychologist have put the depression down to a combination of Connor’s death, as well as the IVF. I can’t describe how hard it is to be on tender hooks after each embryo transfer wondering if it will work, and getting towards the date of the blood test to see if your wife is pregnant and being told it hasn’t worked. Several times Jo would get her period early on and we knew pretty early it hadn’t worked however there were times she made it to the day of the test and I would think it must have worked this time only to be shattered with the bad news. No matter how tough or resilient a man thinks he is, and being a police officer many people assume we can take anything, there is only so much negative news and disappointment a man can take. People often forget about the mental anguish men go through during IVF.
People have a misconceived idea that IVF is a lot more successful than what it actually is. Since giving up on IVF, well-meaning friends continually bring up the subject of adoption, however as you mentioned in your article, adoption in Australia is neither easy or as accessible as the majority of the population think it is. After spending some $35000 is very difficult to find another $50000 to facilitate an adoption. And despite all the positive spin and information IVF medical practitioners provide, it is important people know that IVF is no guarantee to a successful pregnancy. Whilst going through IVF you tell yourself not to get your hopes up but it is impossible not to. People must balance this hope with realistic expectations and friends of people going through IVF also need to reel in their expectations.
Thanks again for the insightful article and for your time.
Regards
Nick and Joanna Parissis
6 Responses
Despite having 1 successful pregnancy resulting in a beautiful daughter (now almost 20) I was unable to conceive again. Went through 6 cycles of IVF, including donated eggs from my twin. It was emotionally, physically and financially draining. Especially when my twin only had to look at her husband to get pregnant.
I don’t mind seeing IVF success stories but would like more on those who don’t succeed because that is the reality, IVF does not always have a happy outcome
Thank you for sharing your story. I really wish we heard more voices like yours, not just for the sake of couples facing IVF but for those of us in their lives – by the time I realised just how difficult the IVF process was, friends of mine had already been through it and it was too late to give them the support they had needed at the time. Of course, there has long been a general taboo around infertility and pregnancy/infant loss in our culture, but it is made so much worse by the illusions the IVF industry trades on. Fair enough, it’s not cheap to provide these technologies, but it’s cruel to unrealistically lift and exploit hopes for profit.
Thanks so much for writing this Melinda. I have relatives who have gone through IVF. I remember one of them was so sick throughout and I can now see why, sounds like it is hugely stressful. This has helped me to understand. Like Nicole (above comment) I’ll be in a better position to provide support for friends or relatives in the future.
Thank you so much for writing this article. It’s true that when faced with infertility and looking into IVF as an option, that, of course you’re presented with so many positive success stories. Our story was not like that…My husband and I only went through IVF once, I was 23, as that one time almost killed me. I contracted the rare Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and was gravely ill after also having 33 eggs removed from the harvest. Of those 33 eggs, only one survived to the stage of being able to be implanted, however because I got so sick, we had to have the embryo frozen (more money). I feel for those couples who have gone through the process countless times – like I mentioned, once was all we could financially, emotionally, physically and mentally handle – and even then it’s been difficult. I suffer anxiety, stress and depression, and am seeing a psychologist to help with the issues surrounding the loss in IVF and trauma it brought about, not to mention the difficulties faced with infertility and also with the struggles I have relating intimately to my husband. This is a difficult road and one that more people need to be educated and made aware of, and I’d like to encourage anyone who has been through infertility, in particular IVF to speak up and share your story so we can support and love you. I am thankful for my faith in God, and I believe it is through Him I am able to keep going. We now face the new struggle and red tape of starting the adoption process now – and I pray God willing this is the way we will be blessed with a child. I pray also for all who are considering, going through, had success, or grieving as a result of infertility or IVF – you are not alone, let’s share our stories and help others and each other. xx
thank you to Nick and Joann for their story, sadly it is a story that I have heard a little too often and one that we too are living through. My partner and I each have a child from our first marriages, both kids conceived naturally and yet now 5 years of trying, around 12 IVF cycles and with no medical problems being found we too, remain childless together.
IVF for both John and I would have to be the hardest thing that either of us have done, and yet, I’ve been through the family court 3 times and John’s been a detective in the NSW Police for 32 years! It’s a roller coaster ride, one that I promised myself wouldn’t rule my life, ha, who was I kidding. The days between collection and transfer are awful, each day you get a call essentially telling you how many embyros have died, then you get to transfer day, if you are lucky, and then the waiting begins…… each time you pee you check and wait, and check and wait and agonisingly tell yourself not to think about it, that each twinge is nothing and then you get your period and you have a 5 day reminder that it didn’t work and you’re another $3500+ out of pocket and no baby.
No, we don’t want to hear people saying keep the faith etc, we want to be angry and lock ourselves away in a cave. We don’t want to see pregnant ladies or hear of people who get knocked up by accident. As Nick said, the cost of adoption is prohibitive especially after spending so much on IVF. It’s an awful journey that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Man I really do feel for the people who want children and can’t have them because of financial or biological constraints. Or moral constraints such as wartime. Which is definitely is across the board in the 1st world. Some who really really want children don’t even TTC out of concern for what the kid may have to deal with living in a patriarchy.
It’s a big humongous bummer for real.