Last month I posted a piece by a woman named Carrie, who was sold by her father into prostitution at the age of 9. She wrote about our amazing reunion 14 years after I was involved in attempts to secure asylum for her and her unborn child. I said then: “Her story is remarkable. Her suffering indescribable. Her resilience and love for life unmatchable.” Since our reunion Carrie has started to join me in my talks to students. Her story of survival and rising above great suffering, has blown the girls away (more on that later). Today she posted a piece on her blog, which took special courage. I wanted you to see how brave she is and hopefully be inspired to rise above personal difficulties and no longer be burdened by things of the past. You can also read her extraordinary poem ‘Sold’ here.
Last week I shared my story for the first time so candidly with a group of grade 10 girls. A few days prior to the school visit I had written my most vulnerable blog entry but hadn’t the courage to publish it. I figured, if I was brave enough to share it with the girls and their response was favorable, I would ‘dare greatly’ and put it out there. In my wildest dreams, their reaction to me could never be as astounding as it was. They have been so affirming in their acceptance of me that I found in them the courage I was lacking. So as promised to the girls and to myself, here is my most vulnerable piece to date.
I often wonder if men and boys ever consider the damage their unwanted hand on the unwilling bodies and souls of girls does to us. Would they still abuse, degrade and objectify even if they knew the end result 100% of the time at the very least leads to shame? And at the worse leads to irreparable damage to the girl’s self worth. How she views her body. How it impacts her sexuality and spirituality. Impairs her ability to trust and be intimate and many times threatens her desire to even live?
Shame is a topic I have become somewhat of an expert on during the course of my life. I remember the first time I felt it, how it consumed me, how it made me view myself as unloveable and how it kept me disconnected and silent for years…
…As a child, I walked around in a state of such dissociation, I often wondered what it felt like to be alive. I would watch other kids play while I sat on the sidelines pulling out my eyelashes and have no ability to connect with their joy. Other times, I would somehow manage to play but it was never really me doing it. Even when I laughed, a sound and expression so foreign to me in my early years, I remained so far away that I became the silent observer to the shell of myself that showed up every day in the world to represent the facade.
As a teenager, I got even better at sending the “representative” girl out into the world. My humor became the lie that would hide the truth of my pain. I knew what I was hiding no person would understand, and so for years I stayed silent. Out of fear of the threats I received and most probably because I believed at a deep level I was as bad as I was told. And so I would try to be as good as my damaged soul allowed. But anger consumed me, shame blinded me to my own potential and I hated myself for existing. I hated my mother for hating me, I hated my sister for all the times I protected her and I hated my father for destroying my soul daily before the divorce and then every other weekend there after. But mostly I hated life for not ever giving me a chance to become the person I could have been had it been different for me. Read full post on Carrie’s blog ‘Paving the road to freedom’.
See also: ‘Courage is Contagious’ by Carrie
6 Responses
Carrie, thank you for sharing that. I pray that it reaches many hearts of girls who have been visited by this terrible evil. May God really reach into those really deep painful parts of your heart where no one else may go.
Trish
The answer Carrie is that men and boys do not care about the sadistic sexual violence they all choose to commit against girls and women. Our Male Supremacist System teaches boys they are the important ones and our Male Supremacist System ensures that boys’ are valued and pandered too. Girls are only exist because Male Supremacist System, which was created by men, need an endless supply of supposedly ‘dehumanised females males can rape and sexually torture for their sexual pleasure.’
Certainly a few males still have some humanity but we must not fall in trap of claiming these males are ‘the good ones.’ Seeing women and girls as human beings not supposedly either ‘the good girl or bad girl’ perpetuates male supremacist lies that man (sic) is the subject and it is his perspective/views of women and girls which are the definitive ones.
We must demand that males discard their misogynistic belief that because they don’t rape/commit sexual violence against women and girls, this in itself supposedly makes them superior to other men. It doesn’t – instead males must accept they are accountable for what males do to women and work to challenge other mens’ misogynistic views and how males teach boys their birthright is limitless sexual access to females of all ages if they choose.
Males are not born ‘bad’ – rather mens’ system teaches them that females aren’t human and if females aren’t human then they can’t be harmed by male sexual violence.
The excuses/denials males enact are innumerable and as soon as one ‘excuse’ is debunked males create another one to justify/deny their accountability.
Given female sexual slavery is global, is condoned and justified by male dominated governments and wherein prostitution is supposedly ‘female sexual empowerment’ it is not surprising male perpetrators believe their male pseudo sex right to females is sacrosanct!
Not A Job Not a Choice by Janice Raymond has just been published and this very important book documents and analyses how male pseudo sex right to women and girls is now dominantly viewed as ‘male human right to have limitless supplies of females available for males to rape and then discard.’
I highly recommend this book because it debunks the endless lies mens’ pimp industry constantly promotes.
It is vital we never forget males are the ones who made the choice to commit sexual violence against women and girls and whilst it is right the suffering males inflict on girls and women is recognised not dismissed as ‘just another annecdotal isolated incident.’ Or even worse the female victim dismissed as ‘engaging in victimology’ or ‘she is sensationalising what males choose to subject her to.’ These too are propaganda lies perpetuated by men and their pimp industry in order to trivialise/deny what innumerable girls and women experience because their sex is female.
Carrie is a very brave and courageous woman to openly speak out and hold males accountable for their continuing crimes against women and girls. Inevitably Carrie will be dismissed by mens’ pimp industry advocates as ‘lying and/or playing the victim role!’
Openly challenging male pseudo sex right to females of all ages will inevitably cause males to react with hysterical lies because it is vital the truth of innumerable women’s and girls’ lives in a women-hating societies must not be allowed to be voiced since this upsets ‘mens’ fragile feelings!’
This is why Carrie is a very brave and courageous woman because she is one of many women and girls who refuse to submit to male domination and male control. The ones who should feel shame are the male perpetrators and those men who condone/create and uphold male systems/structures which enable innumerable males to commit male sexual violence against women and girls with impunity. Until such time as male perpetrators are shamed and shunned by their brothers nothing will change.
Thanks for your bravery Carrie, it’s inspiring x
If Hecuba is correct and all males are part of a global conspiracy or by their very nature just debased and evil then maybe to protect women we should just jail them all at birth. Or maybe not all men are evil and preying on females. Many men risk their lives daily for women (ie police, soldiers). I admit many men are bad and I would be the first to see them removed from circulation one way or another to protect the greater good. All women reading this blog please remember that good men do exist and would give their lives for your right to be equal. Not all men are predators. Many see you as equals and are frustrated by those who would attempt to shame us because of masculine gender, making us feel unwelcome to stand beside you rather than behind you because we owe you for what other men have done. As a male I often feel trapped between being a feminist and turned away from the cause to avoid the tirade of hate I receive from women accusing me of what ‘men’ have done. As I have a sister, mother, wife & niece that I would do anything for & I hope they don’t ostracise themselves from good men who would never mistreat them.
I respect Carrie so much for her courage in sharing this story. I also hear you Greg and your pain. For me, this is a story of rising above adversity, a story of hope. That what we say and do has a profound affect on others – male or female. That we should treat each other with respect, compassion and love and that trust is earned.
Thanks for sharing your inspirational story Carrie. You are a wonderful strong woman who has hopefully discovered how much good you can do and how important your life is. Also, to Greg, some women obviously have some damaging views towards men and insist they are ALL bad. Personally this really saddens me and does absolutely nothing for feminism, nor the future for ‘us’ as a human species. Men haters turn men away from wanting anything to do with feminism, and why would you blame them. Being sexist against men still makes you sexist. I’m a woman, and the biggest inspiration for me growing up, and the person who inspired me to reach for the stars was my father. When I hear someone bagging ALL men it makes me furious, not all men are bad nor all women good. Please remember, just as all men are not bad, all feminists are not men haters.