It’s letters like this that keep you going.
Below is the letter, reprinted with permission, from a 15-year-old girl at a major girls high school in Sydney.
Her email came only a few hours after I addressed the 1000 girls attending this school. Lila’s letter provides us an intimate account of what it’s like to be a teen girl today. She writes profoundly about body images pressures, about pressure to be sexually active before being ready, about pressures from friends and society. And while much of what she expresses is cause for concern for anyone who is concerned about the physical, mental and emotional wellbeing of girls, her words also contain hope.
Because Lila has decided to make her own way, according to her beliefs and values, and not let other people and the world choose her path. She has chosen to be strong and to resist and to find a better way for herself.
I asked Lila if I could share her letter with you. She said yes. We just changed her name to protect her a little.
You spoke at my school this morning and i was very shocked by the sexploitation around our communities. There is just so much of it, that we live by it without noticing sometimes. One thing you didn’t mention was how friends can pressure their other friends. I know this
for a fact as i have not developed big boobs, and yet my friends find that it is important to point it out as if it was a bad thing…”Lila, no offence but you are so flat chested…”
I have developed an idea of what my body should be as most girls do…bigger boobs, shinny, perfect hair, absolute clear skin, and i have even thought about getting plastic surgery, as peer pressure has affected me. I’m only 15. But once you began to speak and i listened to how absolutely foolish i had been to fall into my friends traps and our societies trap of perfection i began to feel better about myself and i felt quite strongly about this subject.
Perhaps you haven’t heard this before, but being a member of my age group, or generation…i know that girls who are from 12 to 16 who have given blow jobs to boys as if it was normal to do so. I know this is wrong as my mum and I are very close and I grew up in Brazil, where I had never heard of such a thing. I think that, girls going through puberty, who have just entered the world of high school and teenage issues, they hear things about BLOW JOBS AND HAND JOBS AND SEXXX! And they are too afraid to ask their parents for advice in that area, and their friends don’t know any better, so they turn to magazines for advice (Dolly and Girlfriend) which are full of sexploitation and advice about boys and sex. Of course…those girls have no sense of right or wrong and sex becomes something that is totally natural to happen at their age…I have indeed asked my friends if they would give a boy a blowjob and some already have, and some say they would give into it with no hesitation.
Internet also helps this issue by miles. Porno is so easily found, and i have watched it once with my friends when i was 12. I thought: “I know nothing about it, and in a couple of years i’ll be expected to do something about it, so if i watch this i’ll know what sex is really like and what i’m meant to do.” I’m not the only one. There is millions of us, clueless teenagers that need some guidance, and if your parents won’t give it to you…WHO WILL?
In the next few years, I’ll be facing some issues such as sex and all, and before i felt as if i had to face that by the age of 16 or 17 to not be left out, I can now say…I’ll do it when I feel like it. There is no DUE DATE for it…I’m going to wait until i meet some very nice boy who respects me and loves me for who I am and for what I like and who is patient and caring enough to wait for me for as long as he needs to, because i can now see it all very clearly, it’s like you yanked a sheet off the secrets of “beauty” and released the inner feminist within me.
I probably have loads more to say, but it all escapes my mind right now.
Thank you so much for coming around and talking to us about it…My views have changed and my choices that i make will surely benefit from your speech today.
P.S. Do you have any ideas on what I should say the next time by friends bug me about my “flat chest”?
23 Responses
Everything you should know about breasts:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/abreast_the_basics_of_boobies
Also, most boys really don’t care about breast size (those who’d base their relationships on such a superficial thing aren’t worth dealing with).
Wow lila- what anencouragement you are!! Keep your convictions strong – don’t let them fade as the weeks pass by and your friends & the world gets in your ears again! Your thinking is WAY more mature & sophisticated then what’s around you- trust me all the women who read this are going to have SO much respect for you – so stay strong girl!
Ps When your friends say ” no offence but you’re so flat chested” just say “you know, I’m not offended be quse my self esteem and identity is not in my bra size- being a C or D cup wouldn’t make me a more valuable or better or happier person” 🙂
Btw being flat chested actually has it’s benefts – for ex it’s much more comfortable to play sport! My friends who are big busted often tell me they wish they were smaller (I’d never have believed that in high school but it’s true)! 🙂
I’m glad the world has teenagers like you!
Hi Lila,
Thank you for sharing such an insightful letter. I just loved hearing about how you’ve had those revelations, there is ‘no due date’ for having sex and you’ll do it when *you* feel like it. That must be a very liberating feeling after having experienced all the direct and indirect pressure.
Something you should know, and you might be very relieved to know, is that pornography is a very poor representation of what sex is like. Women are more often than not, very disrespected in pornography, some are even abused and hurt. That’s not what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.
You said this:
“I’m going to wait until i meet some very nice boy who respects me and loves me for who I am and for what I like and who is patient and caring enough to wait for me for as long as he needs to…”
You really deserve that Lila. You really do. Don’t settle for anything less ok?
I can also identify with the ‘flat chest’ issue, as I fit within that category.
Women come in all shapes and sizes. Different height, weight, broad shoulders, narrow shoulders, short torso, long torso, Dark hair, light hair,…i could go on and on with all the wonderfully unique features of being human! Your breast size is normal, it is normal for you. My size, is normal for me. Others will be larger and there are all different shapes too. Breast size, does not have any correlation with your femininity, or your value and worth.
Regarding what to say to your friends, that’s a tough one.
A few thoughts that might help you think about a response:
Your friends are only saying those things because it is what they have learned from the culture. They have seen magazines, tv shows where ‘sexy’ ‘hot’ women all have large breasts which are accentuated with special bras and clothing. The representation of women in pop culture excludes a lot of women and includes only those who fit within the narrow beauty ideal – thin, young, large breasted, tanned, long shiny hair etc.
It’s interesting that your friends say ‘no offence.’ They have a belief that to have small breasts is a bad thing and for that to be pointed out, will hurt your feelings. Perhaps you could respond in a way that says ‘i’m not offended at all, this is how i’m made, you are made differently and that is ok.’ You could respond with a question ‘i’m not offended, does it bother you? it doesn’t bother me.’
That’s all I can think of Lila! Love your work, stay strong. Your letter made my day. 😀
Lila, your letter brought tears to my eyes. It’s wonderful to hear that you’ve been empowered by Melinda’s message on sexualisation – that’s exactly how I felt when I first heard her speak, and since then I have become a stronger woman and encouraged others to embrace their inner beauty.
At your age, you have the power to use this wisdom to have a positive influence on other teens who are suffering from the same kinds of problems as you have described. And for those of us who are out of our teens, you’ve already inspired us to continue to reach out to younger women and empower them.
Next time your friends get on your case about your flat chest, why don’t you come back at them with a compliment about their inner beauty, something you like about their personality or sense of humour. Challenge them to look at at the inside, and overcome their meanness with kindness. Think about your own personal strengths and how much more they will mean to you in the long term than your outside appearence.
You are clearly a brave young woman with a beautiful heart. Thank you for allowing Melinda to share that with us.
Kate
What a great letter! Sadly, unlike Lila I found myself having succumbed to all of those peer pressures that she speaks of at the age of 15, as I wasn’t as strong within myself as she is. I have MAJOR regrets about this now. None more clear to me than when I met my husband and finally understood what it was I SHOULD have been waiting for all those years and how I had cheapened myself by giving in. I am still very sad about it at times but I’ve had a lot of healing in the meantime too.
Lila, you should be so proud of yourself. It’s good to hear about this sort of thing as I hope it will help me when I try to teach my children about how to resist the sexualisation of society when they become older. Well done.
Lila,
One of the previous comments is from Kate – you should watch her awesome video called ‘sisterhood.’ This would be a good one to share with your mates:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK46nILY-rw
So encouraging to read your letter Lila. If it helps my daugther is keeping herself just like you. She is 18 and year 12 and puts in place those around her that like to pressure her. Just a thought I had recently. From what I have heard first hand from a teenager and what you see on TV, Movies etc. one needs to have alcohol before having any sexual activity. If you follow your thought “wait until i meet some very nice boy who respects me and loves me for who I am and for what I like and who is patient and caring enough to wait for me for as long as he needs to” alcohol will not be necessary. If you need alcohol, good chance the time is not right.
Flat chested, makes buying bras cheaper, that’s a good thing. Reduces boys looking at you as if you are a piece of meat, therefore more likely to meet someone who respects you for you. Well done.
Yay for you, Lila. You’re an inspiration 🙂
Well said Lila because women are not men’s disposable sexual service stations. Furthermore you, not a male nor anyone else decides when and if you will engage in any sexual act(s). You have the innate right of not engaging in any sexual act you do not like, do not want or consider to be sexually exploitative. Remember ‘sex’ is not what popular culture and the media claims – it is not all about male penetration of the female body – that is only a reproductive act. Your sexuality belongs to you alone – not to a male or female.
If you decide not to engage in sexual acts – then that is your right and no you are not a ‘prude’ or ‘frigid’ etc. – these are all male-centric lies.
I strongly recommend you read scarleteen website because Heather who owns the website is a feminist and she advocates female sexual autonomy – meaning a woman’s body and sexuality belongs to her not to men or boys.
Also breasts are only one body part of a female human being – they do not define a supposedly ‘real woman’ despite claims made by our misogynistic society. Hold fast to your views and seek out other young women who hold similar views. Finally remember women and girls are human – and we were not put on this earth to sexually service men and boys.
I think it’s not simply a matter of ‘saving yourself for the right man’. It’s the knowledge that your sexuality is yours and that whatever you choose to do or not do, is up to you and nobody else. It’s very heartening to hear that young women are resisting the pressure to conform to such narrow views and expectation’s of female sexuality. I think the advice given by other commentors about expressing your convictions to your peers is excellent Lila. It would not surprise me if many of your friends feel exactly the same as you do, but are too afraid to speak out due to peer pressure and the enormous pressures that our society places on young women to conform. One person speaking out can make a huge difference. Good for you Lila and good luck.
Lila – it is girls like you that inspire and encourage those of us that work with youth to keep going. Your ‘voice’ is so refershing and so powerful. It is the type of ‘voice’ that will make people sit up and listen.
Thank you for your courage!
Very encouraging to hear such a strong individual at such a vulnerable age. Good for you, Lila. It is very heartening to me, as a young mum of two daughters, to see that there is hope for girls and women out there – if you can stand strong in the face of incredible peer pressure, I hope that I can give my own daughters the tools they need, and that my parents didn’t give me.
I have one piece of advice for you, and for other teen girls out there who are struggling to deal with the overwhelming amount of sexual encouragement and activity in our society – something I wish someone had told me a long time ago.
It is: Just because you’ve had sex once, with one person, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do it again and with other people.
I do not regret the circumstances surrounding my ‘first time’… but what followed after that boy and I broke up was a string of boys who I thought I HAD to sleep with, because I’d already done it with one guy, so why not this guy, or that, and why wait when the deed’s already been done and I may as well do it now with this boy?
If and when you do decide to take the plunge into becoming sexually active, I have no doubt you will make the choice that is right for you. But just remember that losing your virginity doesn’t mean you have an obligation to any boyfriends that may come after if it doesn’t work out. Be strong, stay true to yourself.
All the best to you, Lila.
Wow what a great letter, it is so encouraging to see a teenage girl like Lila willing to take a stand, even if it is not what her friends would do.
I believe that someone like Lila will make a huge difference in the lives of many as she values herself for who she is and will also value you others, not for their physical appearance but for who they are inside.
Lila, I am so impressed with your attitude, it is an inspiration. Remember too that your friends are being influenced by these same messages in the media and sometimes what girls say can hurt. Please do try not to let it affect you too much…. Female ‘competition’ and negative remarks about others’ appearance only come from a place of fear – fear of not being good enough themselves, which unfortunately the media is all too anxious to foster! With attitudes like yours I know that things will change for the better for women in the future. Wishing you every success in your forthcoming personal and professional life.
Lila, I have one word for you…
B.R.A.V.E
Hi Lila, Thank you for writing this letter, I hope other young girls read it and gain some strength fro it – this is such an important issue for every girl, woman, mother etc . You know you remind me so much of myself when I was your age! The only difference is that I’m fifteen years older than you and never faced peer pressure like that. I fear for my daughter when she is a teenager but your conviction made me realise that if we teach our daughters to be strong and to resist the pressure and to decide for themselves what is important then they will be able to let the pressure slide right past them – and hopefully be more convicted of what is right. Thanks again, don’t ever forget that you are a strong young girl, and there are so many lovely boys that will grow up to be lovely men – the type who would want to meet someone like you!
Well done Lila for showing courage and independence. The world needs more girls like you.
Lila, I think you’re wonderful. And you may have heard this already but it’s really true – when you leave highschool, nothing is the same. The “real world” is not like school! The people who can’t think for themselves sink to the bottom and wonderful girls like you will shine. So just hold on and try not to let school dramas get to you, because it’s such a small portion of your life and things will be better for you after you leave.
Also, to the commenter who said:
“You could respond with a question ‘i’m not offended, does it bother you? it doesn’t bother me.’”
I think that’s a great reply!
You Rock Lila!! Your letter is so positive and encouraging, you’ve made my day 🙂
I’m so proud of you, Lila!
I used to say this when my flat chest was pointed out: at least I don’t have to worry about saggy boobs later on. In fact, I feel like I’m still a teenager many years later 🙂
I agree with everything this brave little girl said, however it can’t be left there. As a father of a 9 year old I feel it’s as important (if not more) to teach my son that he will never be entitled to sex, to teach him to honor and respect these incredible individules who one day, if he is truely blessed, will grace him with the gift of a child. Sex has become fashion, and our youth far too often fall into the lie that fashion has always been. Men should teach their sons to be men, not mearly animals who follw only their basest desires. Unfortunetly in this “jock” minded worlod, it’s almost expected for sons to “sow their wild oats” and the Dads are actually proud of their sons exploits, as if they are living out the Dads private fantasies vicariosly. As a man and father, I find the notion quite shameful.
Oh, and as far as “big boobs” go, at age 53 all the women I have ever known in my past life with such endowments now seem to wear them at their waist. Also, I am sorry, but there seems to be nothing sillier than seeing a lady my age at the beach who seems to have all the requisit wrinkles and and lines, which somehow I find attractive these days, walking with these obviously large fake implants, which completely take your mind off of the woman as a whole and make you stare at the freakish sideshow. If any girl wants to see sexy women with small breasts, look at beach vollyball, and see just how many guys are in the crowd.
Things you can say back to your friends… coming from someone who’s been there….
” No Offence but don’t your big boobs hurt when you run?”
“Seriously- explain to me why my boobs matter right now- aren’t they for feeding babies? That’s not on my agenda for- oh.. 10yrs perhaps”
“you speak like it’s a problem- do you see me as a whole person? Do you like me for my looks or my personality? ”
“When I look at you I do not *see* you as a pair of boobs so why do you see me as a flat chest?”
…. oh I could go on and on… LOL I didn’t even begin to develop until I was 16 and didn’t have anything to speak of until I had my first child- at 25! I had boyfriends prior to my husband and I have to say that not a single one disrespected or criticised my small boobs. I was loved for my personality- Don’t EVER listen and let anyone lower your self esteem about something so unimportant. Be the biggest and best person you can be from the inside and you will shine!
Wow Lila! Your maturity and honesty are admirable and I salute you. I wish you strength and courage and joy in the years to come, and I wish that many more girls and young women have the your kind of aha moment and realise that they don’t need men to be fulfilled.