There’s a shift happening. Perhaps not quite enough yet to call it a tipping point. But something is going on. When my colleagues and I were working on ‘Big Porn Inc: Exposing the harms of the global pornography industry’ in 2010-11, concerns about the way porn was shaping sexual attitudes and behaviours in new and harmful ways were barely a whisper. But now the ill effects of the pornographic experiment on relationships and sexuality are being named out loud.
This personal piece on Twitlonger by Rosie Redstockings is one of the most potent I’ve read describing a woman’s experience of porn-conditioned men. I reprint it with permission. And below it, Sarah Ditum’s remarkable confession in New Statesman last week. You must read the whole thing. “The pornographic vocabulary of sex as the violent debasement of the female body had seeped out from screens and into the lives of the women I knew”, she writes. Rosie’s experience, and Sarah’s frank admission, are a perfect match here on MTR today.
I’m 23. Mine is the first generation to be exposed to online porn from a young age. We learnt what sex is from watching strangers on the internet, we don’t know anything else.
Here are some of the things that I have experienced…
– having my head shoved into his crotch, and held down while I sucked him off
– being told that my gag reflex was too strong, couldn’t I work on it?
– bullied into submitting to facials. I didn’t want to. He said (joking?) that he’d ejaculate on my face while I was asleep. He wasn’t joking – I woke up with him wanking over me.
– bullied into trying anal. It hurt so much I begged him to stop. He stopped, then complained that I was being too sensitive and it can’t be *that* bad, he continued to ask for it
– having my hair pulled
– constant requests for threesomes
– constant requests to let him film it
And on every single occasion, I felt guilty for not being a ‘cool girl’. I was letting him down. I was a prude.
THIS IS NOW NORMAL. Every single straight girl I know has had similar experiences. Every. Single. One. Some have experienced far worse. Some have given in, some have resisted, all have felt guilty and awkward for not being “liberated” enough, not giving him what he wants.
It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I discovered radical feminism, that I realised it was ok to say no. I’m lucky enough to be with a man who respects this and who understands. Even so, it was only recently that I decided I wasn’t going to swallow anymore. I’d never liked it, but always thought I was obliged. I told my boyfriend and he said that was totally fine, he was horrified to hear I hadn’t enjoyed it previously. Why would he think anything else? This is what sex is for the porn generation.
I’m a very privileged woman – I’m middle class, well educated, I come from a very supportive family – and yet I still struggled to muster up the confidence to say no. The men I have had sex with are now lawyers, doctors, management consultants – they’re powerful people, they have influence, and they still think that degrading their sexual partners is normal.
Porn has done this.
When you use your influence to tell thousands of your readers that all men watch porn, this is just what men are like, “why should we care?”, you’re perpetuating this. An entire generation of women have suffered because of porn, and we will all continue to suffer unless men change. This isn’t just an intellectual exercise for us. “Boys will be boys” is not going to change anything, nor will bleating “yeah but porn doesn’t *have* to be misogynistic”. Please start using your influence for good.
You say you’re a feminist ally? Prove it.
….Though it seemed callow to admit it, I’d seen things in my research that shocked and upset me – real penetration of real women causing real pain. And there was one more thing, which happened more gradually: I heard from friends about the boyfriend who wanted to choke them, or the one who slapped them about in bed, or pressured them to do anal, or wanted to film it all. The pornographic vocabulary of sex as the violent debasement of the female body had seeped out from screens and into the lives of the women I knew…
The actions of Craft, Dworkin, Mackinnon and Dines are defined by their urgency. Anti-porn feminism recognises a link between the propaganda of sexual violence and its practice, and stopping porn is understood to be essential in ending the rapes, killings and torture that men practice against women. These campaigners believe that lives are at stake – and even so, they are somehow less censorious, more open to dialogue, more creative than those who now police the “safe spaces.” In these spaces, everyone must be warmly welcomed and intellectually unchallenged, except of course for feminists speaking against male violence. One wonders exactly why Pornland was such an intimidating prospect for supporters of the sex industry in Austin. Perhaps it is a perverse testament to Dines: maybe her opponents know that, if viewers approach with a readiness to debate in good faith, they might, like me, end up changing their minds. Read full article
See also:
‘The problem with porn’, A room of our Own
34 Responses
We real Radical Feminists have been saying this for eons – that mens’ pornography justifies and perpetuates pandemic male sexual violence against women and girls. However the men had ‘hysterical fits’ and claimed ‘wah this is denying us males our male (pseudo) sex right to enjoy male sexualised fantasies!’
Well this is what happens when mens’ filmed male sexual violence against women becomes malestream – it reinforces existing male hatred/male contempt for women and girls and it also is an excellent teaching tool for pre-teen and teenage boys wanting to learn what is ‘real male sexuality?’
Remember that excellent real Feminist quote -‘the personal is political’ which was created in order to publicise the fact women’s lived experiences of pandemic male violence/male hatred/male contempt for women is political and not ‘innumerable isolated incidents occurring in a vacuum wherein the male perpetrators are all ‘deviant monsters. ‘Male monsters have never existed but pandemic male hatred/male contempt which justifies and condones male violence against women has existed for centuries and continues to exist, because male pseudo sex right to oppress women is sacrosanct!
It’s the unimaginative who suffer due to excessive porn watching and influence. I’m a man, I have always enjoyed lots of sexy stuff with many different types of women and I’ve never done any of things you’re claiming are wide spread sex acts. It doesn’t seem like love making. I’m sorry, but find this story grossly inflated and unrepresentational. Look inside to solve your gender and relationship issues. Try it! The tone of this story is also a huge concern. (I won’t go into it though.)
Thank you for writing this extraordinary testimonial, Rosie. It is a rare and vivid account of the real-life, ground-level outcome of porn culture. As Hecuba writes, there have been women around for decades predicting your experience would become the reality for young women almost without exception as a result of mass pornography consumption. And so it has come to pass. But, still, we don’t yet have many accounts like yours that show things have shifted substantially and universally now. As bad as things might have been for generations of women before you, there is no comparison to what is happening now, as shown in your account. The pervasiveness and normality of the violence and degradation is not something we have seen before. Thank you for documenting it.
Oh, Chris.
There’s always at least one butthurt guy bleating #notallmen. We get it. You’re a good guy.
But the fact is that even “good guys” are getting most or all of their sexual education presented to them via pornography and therefore the expectations are there for women to perform a certain way. For you to say that you just don’t believe that this can be so is ludicrous.
I am totally concerned about the effect of porn the human population, females, males, particular the next generation of children who have been significantly exposed. We are only just beginning to see the effects as indicated by the testimony above. I think men are are totally addicted which i think unfortunately is why we see” radical feminist ” groups bringing it to the attention of the wider population. My experience with feminists is they have a too much of a “them against us attitude” that men and many women will too readily dismiss. Both men and women share some responsibility in the story of pornography and until feminists acknowledge this they will continue to run into road blocks communicating with the majority of people. They will end up being counterproductive. We need mens group’s to stand against porn aswell. Porn must be stopped, but in this digital age it will take a massive collective effort. I would argue men do play the significant role in the perpetuation of porn, and females are falling victim to its foul. But I would not forget to address in the conversation that men are also being adversely affected by it. The full effects it has on both sexes and relationships we will probably not know for many years to come.
I am the Director a Sexual Violence counselling service and totally agree with your article. In the past few years we have had a huge increase in intimate partner rape of women from 14 to 80+. The biggest common denominator is consumption of porn by the offender. With offenders not able to differentiate between fantasy and reality, believing women are “up for it” 24/7, ascribing to the myth that ” no means yes and yes means anal “, oblivious to injuries caused and never ever considering consent. We have seen a huge increase in deprivation of liberty, physical injuries, torture , drugging, filming and sharing footage without consent. I founded the centre 25 years ago and what is now considered to be the norm in 2015 is frightening. I wonder where we will be in another 10 years!
Di, so grateful to you for sharing your experience. It is those at the coalface, caring for the survivors of sexual violence day in day out, who we need to listen to. What more evidence is needed that porn consumption is contributing to the rising violence against women and girls? I cannot bear to think where we will be in a decade if we don’t start addressing this issue as a matter of urgency.
My daughter was sexually assaulted at her primary school aged six in a four month campaign of violence by 6 boys in her class and the year above. They called her a bitch, hit, punched, kicked and pushed her over as well as touching her genitals to frighten her. The school called it rough play – I wonder where all the men got the idea that sexist terrorism was play? I got her out of that school as quickly as possible and am now into a two year campaign to get the head and various other teachers dismissed for safeguarding violations but it aint easy in Pornland.
I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your little girl. That is such an important question you ask: ‘I wonder where all the men got the idea that sexist terrorism was play?’ Porn is the landcape in which boys are being formed. And then we’re surprised when they act out what they see? I do hope she is OK now and do hope you get justice from the original school. Thank you for sharing with us.
Excellent article.
The menz here blaming women for porn makes me laugh. They’re the ones consuming it. They’re the ones getting addicted. They’re the ones enacting male sexual violence out on girls and women and yet women are somehow to blame.
Leave it to a mansplainer to come here telling us all it’s women’s fault. It IS our problem though since we’re the recipients of their male violence.
I stay totally away from men in my day to day life now. I don’t want some creep to walk out into the public after he’s been jacking off to harming women and suddenly think he can do it to me.
I just don’t know what the solution is. I’m concerned about my very survival while men are concerned about the next 4 porn sites he’s going to visit to enact abuse on women.
I feel it’s women who must steer clear of men. We must unite and collectively say ‘no’ to men. I’m tired of cleaning up their male violence. Just disengage with them, start our own female only communities. Seriously, we’ve cleaned up their messes for years. It’s about time they live without us.
My daughter (12) was also assaulted by a boy (15) who is addicted to porn. He was her ‘boyfriend’ and constantly tried to get her to look at porn on mobile devices and talk dirty with him. He cajoled her into sending him naked pics of herself and sent her a pic of his own privates while aroused!
Last year he lured her to a quiet place in our small town, held her up against a fence telling her he’d put his c@&$ in her while he tried to fondle her under her top and down her pants. When she resisted he told her he was stronger and couldn’t get away. Fortunately she did get away. She was brave enough to tell me and now the police are involved. It’s all just awful! And I blame it on this boys addiction to porn. Why aren’t parents doing more to protect their children from the scourge of porn? My children have protection on their devices and I’ve explained that those kind of images are bad for them, that it will destroy their chances of having good sexual relationships in the future, and that they degrade women. So far we’ve been lucky but I’ve still got to get them through their teens.
Thank you Sooz for sharing this horrible experience. I’m glad she was able to get away, but what an ordeal.
I do think it’s hard for parents on our own. Yes of course we need to do more – but often first exposure isn’t at home, it is on a friend’s i.phone at school, or on the school bus on the way home. Our State and Federal Governments and regularly bodies have failed us.
Your comment and the one from the other mum here have made me wonder: how many children are being assaulted every day as a result of this scourge?
Thank you for providing us with this information.
This problem is getting out of control. What makes it worse is that when we try to discuss it we’re (often) told to shut up about it, with cries of, “WHAT PORN ARE YOUUU WATCHING? I ONLY WATCH THE ETHICAL/FEMINIST STUFF”.
The very idea that porn doesn’t negatively impact/destroy sexuality is ridiculous. Women suffer when men watch this shit.
And this is why we can’t ever have porn, even the mild one. Once an industry is fucked, you might as well get rid of it.
While I completely and wholeheartedly endorse all the articles and comments on this page – the porn ‘problem’ is being mainly framed as an issue for children and young people. But it is affecting women of all ages. Porn is creeping in to relationships at all stages of life and causing great harm. Research by Ana Bridges revealed that women in long term and committed relationships were the most damaged and distressed by their partners’ porn habits and described it as a hidden but serious psychological problem to affect married women – there are figures revealing over 50% of divorces in the US cited porn as a factor, and counselling services in the UK now see more porn related marriage difficulties than any other issue. The problem is that we keep quiet about it – what middle class, middle aged women is going to admit to this problem in her relationship. Young people are speaking up – at last – but we need women of all ages to speak out.
So far the only comment apparently from a male (it would seem) is refuting the veracity of this account. Way to go Chris – denial will feed the rape culture too.
For any other cynics, just look for some scholarly articles on this subject. The sexual abuse of girls and young women appears to have become commonplace, and the academics are documenting it.
Lesbian and bisexual women get this too. I was dating a woman who’s every sexual impulse involved me doing the things that you see in porn movies. I was always the object. She was always the cool observer or dominator. She pressured me into letting her take pictures of me while I was naked when she wouldn’t even take her clothing off. She wanted to stimulate male sexual positions seen in porn. Yes, I broke it off with her. I stayed as long as I did for the same reason listed in the article. I’ve been trained to believe that to not allow these things is to “suppress” her natural sexuality. But really, she was not respecting me and sexuality doesn’t have to be like that. My first experience with a woman was also full of the influence of porn. My partner thought it was a great idea to flick my clitoris. OUCH!!!! And she also pressured/tricked me into watching porn with her. Not good. Someday, I’d love to find a partner who knows how to treat me with respect and understands that porn is both fantasy and usually influenced by misogyny.
Why are women always the victims? They volunteer to make this stuff. Nobody puts a gun to their head. Yet somehow, the consumers are the problem. Are women ever responsible for anything?
Chris,
You assume that women in these films are choosing it. Yet the facts dictate otherwise. One of the best selling porn films, Deep Throat, Lovelace literally had a gun to her head. If it’s not a gun, it’s poverty or the perception of lack of choice. I onow literally hundreds of exited and presently working in porn or prostituted women. Not a single one of them currently in it wants to be in it.
But that’s just anecdote. If you want know women entering these industries, perhaps read actual sociological data from varied sources. Source’s other than media produced by porn companies. In addition, it is also helpful to get information from a variety of sources because those who still have to stay in the sex industry can’t very well say “Of course I hate my job. Who wants to get called shut and violently slapped gagged and slapped around all day,” and expect a paycheck.
Do you know that upwards of 90% of women in the sex industry were sexual molested/abused/raped as children?
It’s amazing how men frame this about women’s choice when sex trafficking makes more money than the NFL, movie and music inudstries combined. The law of supply in demand tells us that nothing exists without demand…and if there is not enough willing supply then they will find it anyway they can. This why sex trafficking exists, Chris. Not because women are freely choosing it. The industry doesn’t care one iota if a woman is willing and the men watching don’t know shit about reality of the situation that isn’t told while a girls and women perform your fantasies. Do you know anything about the girls you watch personally? If not, then please don’t assume there isn’t a gun to her head.
The woman who pretty much started it all, Linda Lovelace, died while fighting to get her films taken off the shelves. The courts agreed that she was a victim and what was depicted was extreme sexual violence…but to take it off the shelves was considered an infringement of freedom of speech.
As a representative of the patriarchy, I found this blog and subsequent comments quite eye-opening. So these are the sort of places where self-described radical feminists and down-trodden women feed off each other’s insecurities, phobias and misandry. ‘What porn has done to every woman I know’ probably says it all — when you only circulate within your like-minded cliques and reinforce each other’s prejudices and stereotypes, you’re unlikely to come across too many alternate points of view… Oh wait, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing within our exclusivist patriarchal power structures?
I wasn’t sure if mancheeze’s post was genuine or a piece of satire but that’s exactly how many of us misogynistic menz and mansplainers (love the lingo, btw) imagine ‘radfems’ — hey, we have to label you, right? — to talk. Equating all porn with male violence and men in general with violent misogyny, calling for the sisters to unite, say no to men and start female-only communities — priceless! Thanks, mancheeze, you made me laugh.
And Wildis She, what a wonderful collection of unsourced ‘facts’ and, ironically, references to ‘varied sources’. I wonder how many of the ones you have in mind are the likes of MTR’s publications? And this gem of a logical argument: ‘Do you know anything about the girls you watch personally? If not, then please don’t assume there isn’t a gun to her head.’ So instead let’s assume the worst about all of them. Great piece of objective analysis.
By now, you’re all possibly assuming I’m a wife/GF-abusing porn addict/apologist. Actually, I’m a reformed porn addict and I have never harmed a hair on a woman’s body. Several years ago, I used to fritter away a lot of my leisure time, my sleeping time, my exercise time, my eating time, etc. in front of the screen saturated with seductive sirens. Why? Because I found it difficult to start and sustain physical relationships with women brought up on a steady diet of Cosmopolitan, Sex and the City, and How to Manipulate Your Man in 90 Seconds advice columns/blogs.
So I turned to porn and it satiated my primitive urges… before sucking me in to the point I was often spending several hours and sometimes entire nights abusing myself in front of my laptop. I was not proud of myself and I always felt disgusted afterwards. I cannot describe the contempt I felt for myself.
Still, I did not blame porn for my failings. I eventually acknowledged I had an addictive personality and it didn’t take much for me to get hooked on porn to fill the gap I had been yearning to fill. So I finally went cold turkey and replaced that addiction with something else (not drugs), which costs me much more money but has me in a much happier place with myself. I do still watch porn, but quite rarely and do not do so for very long at all — it has well and truly lost its hold over me.
As for violence, while I occasionally found some BDSM roleplays with submissive women arousing, I am simply not turned on by porn including the choking, slapping and degradation of women that have been mentioned by others here. I actually was/am more turned on by porn scenes involving strong sexy women, often fully clothed, and vulnerable men — I’m sure the resident pop psychologists will have a field day with that one! I do not believe that all or most men enjoy violent porn, though obviously there will be a substantial number who do. Just as there are a substantial number of women who hurt men in a non-physical but still very real way. Bad people exist in both sexes (I know, I know, now that’s radical).
The point of this sob story is that a lot of porn, like many other things in society, has its place but is open to abuse. Porn which involves trafficked or otherwise coerced women or blatant violence against women is, of course, evil and not to be condoned. My view is that it should be treated in the same uncompromising way as child porn. But a blanket ban on all porn is not the answer and is simply unrealistic anytime soon. No matter how loudly the radfem propaganda machine bleats.
In an ideal world, all the radfems and violent misogynists would be exiled to their respective islands — or perhaps the same one, now that would make for an engrossing reality TV show — and leave the majority of us to get on with our lives. With or without porn as we choose.
Fred, you could’ve saved yourself 9 paragraphs of bullshit and mansplaining and just said NOT ALLLLL MENZZZZ!!!!
But I did like how you blamed needing to express your “primitive instincts” on Sex and the City. It reminds me of that Emily Nausbaum article. Hearing how many men hate that show has actually made me want to watch it. Even though I used to think I hated it.
Wow. Chris and Fred: two more Narcissist, misogynist male genetic rejects. Men are a Goddamned disease.
Oh Fred, nice work equating radical feminists with violent misogynists. Because women wanting to be free from constant sexualisation, objectification and threat of harm is just as bad as men who think they should be able to do what they like, whenever they like to women including raping and killing us. I especially like the way you started out by insulting all feminists and ridiculing the things we experience, talk about and believe. And how you blame women for your porn addiction.
There are millions of men like you, and you make life very difficult for women who want to be treated like actual human beings. Porn is abuse. I’ll bleat my RadFem opinions wherever I like, thanks. Your carefully constructed, nine-paragraph argument is completely wasted on me.
About 28 years ago, when computers were first introduced, I sat in on many expert witnesses giving evidence to a federal parliamentary committee inquiring into whether sexually violent videos had an effect on people. All the evidence from expert witnesses showed that, yes, it did. All the studies proved that violence and sex that we see desensitises us, especially the growing brain, and in turn makes people more prone to violence and deviant behavior. Because most of the committee members were civil libertarians, the committee found that there should be no banning of violent sexual videos. So now, 30 years later, we are seeing the effects of allowing this kind of material out in the public. We have to start stopping it somehow, and articles such as this are a good way forward. Ultimately the government has to put in place legislation calling for the ban of all violent videos, for our children and for our women.
I am a single woman in her 40s. I married in my late 20s, after enjoying several partners. After my divorce in my 30s, I noticed a definite difference in the men I was dating – those who had been out of long-term relationships and who had started using porn to fill that space had very different ideas of sexuality: I was expected to be happy about anal sex, facials, hair pulling, being video-taped, slapping and having to listen to crude/violent language around sex.
The men were all pretty similar in terms of education and background, the big difference was porn use.
I am relieved that my current partner is only recently out of a long term relationship, does not appear to ever have watched porn and we can enjoy our time together without me ending up with bruises and hurt feelings …
Women have to take responsibility for the way they allow men to treat them. There is no way a man could treat me in the ways described because frankly I would knock him out. What are women doing sharing their bodies with men who obviously have not an ounce of respect for them?? Where is their self respect? Where is their self esteem? I have raised sons who have the same abhorrence for porn that I have, and who love and respect women. Women need to educate their daughters and show them that we do not have to become victims and that we are not objects for the use of men. Pornography is a vile industry and the abused girls who end up working in it need help and rescue.
Saorise, I hope I’m wrong and that you are a glowing rare exception…I’m guessing though, that you may have a surprise in the future…I believe that people who (genuinely) perceive themselves as immune, are the most at risk.
Fred, let me guess…your new, more expensive addiction is mongering at “massage” parlors or outcall prostitutes, or sex tourism in Asia or Latin America? I hope not…but if so, please know that it’s not too late to be the man you want to be. Nothing is more manly than standing up for and protecting the vulnerable. Taking advantage of desperate and/or trapped, vulnerable women…not so much.
When I was 23 I was doing a course. On one occasion I was there chatting with a couple of girlfriends, one was slightly older (26) and the other younger than both of us (18).
Somehow the topic of anal sex came up. The oldest one said she’d never done it, had no interest in it. I said pretty much the same. The 18 yo had tried it, with three different guys. But she hadn’t much liked it. Yet she’d just done it, and I believed that’s because it was what you were supposed to do now, what men expected. Thought it was interesting she didn’t like it but continûed to do it.
Men keep telling us that women have to choice to say no if they want- it’s not that simple. It’s hard to say no to intimate partners- it’s really awkward, and you want to please them, and maybe you love them! Also it makes you feel like the problem is you, that you’re just a prude. In a way it’s just easier to go along with it.
This article left a nasty taste in my mouth. There are partial points made here that I agree with. Sexual violence against women and rape culture are horrible things that feminism is trying to fight against. This is good. The porn industry has a lot of abuse and potential for abuse in it. Also a good point. All porn is bad and disgusting. Wait a minute. Nope. As a feminist I am against rape culture and sexual violence, but I am also in favor of bodily autonomy. That means, pro-choice, anti-war on drugs, pro-sex positive, kink friendly, and pro- don’t judge other people’s choices. There was a heck of a lot of judgement in this article. I don’t enjoy anal sex. I know women and men who do both on the receiving and giving end. I do enjoy threesomes. Not the stereotypical hetero fantasy threesomes, but friendly, loving sexual experiences with people I respect and
care about that I also happen to be attracted to and who respect and care about me and each other. Porn is fantasy. So are a lot of romance novels. Both lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships, both in the bed and out of it. Instead of blaming porn for sexual violence the way people blamed video games and rap music for school shootings, how about acknowledging that the situation is more chicken and egg in that the porn and the fantasy reflects the attitude of the people making it or their knowledge of their audience. Yes the porn can then influence the audience, but only so far. The audience still exists outside of the porn and is influenced by many other things. Violent, male dominant porn is more a symptom of the problem than a cause. The cause is the objectification of women across the board. Also, throwing out all porn is ridiculous. All porn is not sexually objectifying or violent. If we try to throw it all out, as generally happens during blanket condemnations of anything, the good will suffer more than the bad and the porn that has a negative effect will end up thriving behind closed doors. How about instead we encourage treating women as people instead of objects and realistic communications and expectations in relationships? So if porn isn’t viewed as a sin and partners actually talk to each other about what kind of sex they want and like with respect and without judgement, maybe it would all be a great deal healthier?
Reading these comments is incredibly demoralising, I’m sad to say. I know it’s easier to use stereotypes, generalisations and sweeping statements than go into detail and caveats, but it’s hugely unfair on both sexes to do so.
I consider myself an equalist (decide for yourselves whether that also means being a ‘feminist’ or not), and am shocked by some of the vehement, extreme comments here regarding men, as I know many men who would be. To simply blame ‘men’ for a huge part of the world’s problems and argue that they should be done to as women have had done to them for many years not only adds fuel to traditional misogynistic arguments, but is stupid and hypocritical to the extreme. I do not deny that women have been subjugated and bullied for millennia, but simply complaining and raging against men is not going to achieve fairness.
To attack men who have had the courage to add a dissonant voice and share their personal experiences is abhorrent, and again completely hypocritical – if a man had used the same language and style of logic against a woman here they would have been utterly vilified.
I can’t help being reminded of Gandhi – ‘An eye for an eye and the whole world will be blind.’ Simply reacting and lashing out in the same manner as that which we are attacked does nobody any favours – nor, funnily enough, does violence – just like what is argued here with the presence of violent pornography and other media aiding the inability for people (women included) to distinguish between reality and fantasy. It’s often more a question of intelligence and education than gender – divisions based on gender is a purely reductionist, oversimplified way of looking at things.
I agree that there should be severe restrictions on all porn, and I do think the world would be a better place without so much of it, but censorship is a murky water to enter especially if we are to consider freedom of speech. What about people who do enjoy more rough sex in the privacy of their own bedrooms? ‘Slap and tickle’ is a common euphemism for a reason!
For example, what if porn was not an industry, but simply a network of home videos shared by those in happy, consensual couplings? I realise it wouldn’t actually work as people tend to be rather good at morphing and corrupting things unless subject to very strict rules (at which point we’re then back to the questions of freedom of speech and how to enforce such rules), but who is anybody here to determine what someone else’s sexual preferences should be?
With such an intimate act, it is up to each of us individually to respect each other’s sexual tastes (consensuality being the most important thing) – this includes being open-minded, or at least less judgmental. Many guys I’ve been with have asked for anal sex – I never have a problem saying no, and perhaps I ask for things that they also say no to (not all men enjoy cunnilingus).
Another influencer being ignored in this argument is society (at least, Western society by large) being more liberal in general. Sex used to be a huge stigma, and humans have always enjoyed testing boundaries – now that extramarital sex and other things have fewer boundaries around them for many people, other boundaries are in turn questioned. I’m not saying this is a good or bad thing, but it’s important to recognise myriad factors with something like porn rather than taking the easy way out and just blaming people. And if we’re going to argue that this liberalism is part of the problem and has helped create unrealistic norms/expectations surrounding sex then what is the solution – quashing such liberalism?
Whatever may be common among ‘most’ men should never encourage close-mindedness that prevents the possibility of an individual person not conforming to stereotype – this actually exaggerates the stereotype itself. If a small boy is told that ‘all men are X’ he is much more likely to grow up conforming to that stereotype even if he is not inherently like that – it is a vicious cycle.
It goes without saying that I do not for one moment support people being forced into working in porn or performing any sexual act against their will, or any other form of abuse.
Thanks for letting us know, MILLENNIAL1, that your fragile ego is more important than womens’ safety, dignity, and life.
NAMETHEPROBLEM. COM
Everybit is true! Ruined my marraige our sex life was incredible up until porn became available via the internet. My ex started casually asking then demanding out of the norm stuff. Then started cheating. Marraige of 23 yrs over! because of porn seriously guys porn is a ficticous unrealistic world get a grasp on reality and save your relationships that is where caring and love exist not some acted out loveless sex of maked megapixels on a computer screen .when you get old sick and dyeing what or who would you rather have by your side. .