Scarlett from Victoria, wrote to me about her experience of Schoolies. I thought what she wrote deserved a wider audience and asked if I could reprint her letter. She agreed.
After meaning to read your book Getting Real for a while now, I just finished after arriving back from schoolies. I loved it. I felt as though all the contributors including yourself articulated exactly how I feel about the sexualisation of women and girls and what I have been unable to express myself.
I don’t want to use my full name because I want to share with you some of my personal experiences which I thought of when reading Getting Real. I’m 18 years old and I’ve just finished Year 12 and all I’ve done is kissed boys. I’ve never done anything more, not because I don’t want to, just because I haven’t found the right boy.
While on schoolies at the Gold Coast, I heard numerous stories of girls I go to school with having sex in club toilets with complete strangers before schoolies to ‘get it over and done with’ because most of their friends have already had sex. They feared that if they went on schoolies as virgins, they would be deemed ‘losers’ and wanted to gain experience so they would be ‘experienced enough’ to have sex on schoolies, if they chose to.
While on schoolies, some of my closest friends had sex or gave oral sex or hand to complete strangers as they felt it was ‘expected of them’ by the boys and because ‘it’s schoolies!’. I noticed so many things about the treatment of women that really frustrated me and reading your book reminded me how wrong they were.
At clubs and bars we went to boys chanted ‘tits out for the boys, tits out for the boys’, I was left wondering why no girls were singing ‘dicks out for the chicks’. There was also a ‘wet-shirt competition’, prizes for lesbian kisses with friends and games which included partners miming a blow job and lying on top of each other as well as girls as partners if there were no boys left who had to take off items of clothing to stay in the game, we ended up watching two girls in bras and underwear lying on top of each other or pretending to have oral sex (which a guy filmed and took photos of on his phone). There was also a ‘best tits’ competition at one of the bars, in which girls got up on the stage and squeezed their breasts together to receive a reaction from the largely male audience, the girl that one kissed another girl on stage causing the largest noise from the audience ending in her winning.
None of the girls I stayed with or saw while I was there, thought any of the treatment of girls was abnormal, all of them thought it was completely normal. Some girls even joined in the chant ‘tits out for the boys’ as though they saw it as ’empowerment’. A lot of girls did show their breasts, while others (including me) just laughed it off or pretended to be ‘above it’ or in deep conversation with the person next to them. If boys came up to the girls and chanted it, the girls would take their tops off or show their bra, because a massive group/club full of horny boys chanting at you is pretty forceful.
Many of the girls were definitely under the influence of alcohol and yes, boys did prey on drunk girls – I even overheard two boys saying to each other ‘let’s get these girls drunk on goon and take them down to the beach’. Apparently (according to rumours) one girl was raped in a club toilet while we were there.
We had a pool at our place and after arriving home from going out at about 2am, two of my friends wanted to go swimming, but when they got to the pool area boys staying in the other apartment (around 5) were already in the pool. They dared my friends who had been drinking to skinny dip with them and after shedding their clothes together the girls got in the pool with the boys only to be felt up and one was fingered by a boy while another held her down. The girls were really confused and upset when they came back to the apartment and told us the story.
If all of what I described isn’t objectification of women, I don’t know what is. Those situations lumped together like that would put anybody off sending their child to schoolies and that’s not what I’m suggesting. But not enough is said about the negative side especially for girls. So I’m sharing with you what I experienced and the fact that I didn’t like it…all my thoughts were articulated in your book. So thank you for opening my eyes. And reminding me that we live in a male-dominated society and men often think they can treat women as ‘objects’ because of pornography and advertising.
Did you attend Schoolies this year? Feel free to tell me about your experience by posting a comment or contacting me through the ‘contact’ tab at the top of my web page.
Dr Michael Carr-Gregg: Students need alternatives to schooliesSchoolies as David Penberthy wrote in his column in the Herald Sun has become the ‘byword for the worst elements of Australia’s teenage binge drinking culture.’ My patients returning from the Gold Coast often describe it as a bacchanalian orgy of excess, drinking, drugs and often unprotected sex . Read more
17 Responses
To the young lady that wrote this note. I applaud you. You are what I hope for my daughter. I m so sad for you that you had to be subjected to that environment. I wanted you to know that my husband and I are doing our very best to raise our teenage son to be an exception to what is fast becoming the rule. He will understand that despite some girls playing along it’s crushing their spirits. I hope that you remember that time in your life for all the right reasons. The fact that you chose the high road instead of bowing to peer pressure. I hope you will also remember with compassion the girls that weren’t YET so strong. Take care.
Thanks so much for writing this, Scarlett. Your perceptions and thoughts really are illuminating–the picture you paint is a scary one for girls and young women. I hope you keep speaking out about it.
I too find this scary and sad. For both the boys and the girls. We have made such mistakes as a community.
Dear Scarlett, please don’t let anyone EVER tell you there is something wrong with you, or you are abnormal…. Your parents should be extremely proud of you! I am. You are exactly what a 18yr old woman should be do not ever be ashamed of that. You are already empowered, in that you can think for yourself and not follow the pack. Well done. I have a 21yr old daughter, she is like you and I am really proud of her too.
Keep thinking for your self and treating yourself with such respect.
Thank you for sharing your story. This is pretty horrifying.
And to the girl who was “held down” and “fingered”? That’s sexual assault. Don’t chalk it up as “part of schoolies”.
Well done for speaking out. What a horrible culture we have provided for our young people. Young men are not taught respect for women and young women are not taught respect for themselves due to the pornification of our culture. Thank God for people like Melinda who are prepared to stand up and say something – even with everything that is thrown at her time and time again.
This is just another story which depresses me because the juvenile males paint such a poor picture of males as a sex when we should be so much better than that. I condone none of that behaviour and hope that all of my sisters grow up with the same sense as this story of just not being involved. I just really wish that boys would become men because so many just don’t know that women are people and equals nothing less.
I went to schoolies this year, however I went to Melbourne. My ex boyfriend came back from schoolies at Byron with many stories similar to this girl, which he participated in and ended up being the reason we broke up. So hearing these stories I told my friends, and we decided on a quiet Melbourne schoolies where we can make our own decisions. I’m glad we made that choice.
However, we still had similar experiences, except the girls were choosing to do these (as far as I could tell.) one girl lost her virginity to a guy she met on Oasis a week before we left and slept with two guys while we were there. Two of the girls went out every night with goals of seeing how many guys they could hook up with. I don’t think any of these girls actually wanted this to happen, but they made it happen for themselves by dancing very sexually and grinding men in clubs. I was surrounded by this behavior so much that I started to feel bad that no guy was approaching me. In retrospect, however, my friends were approaching the guys.
I think they found it empowering, that they were women now and could make their own choices. But I don’t know how many of them would be happy about it in a years time.
I lost my virginity when I was 16, and I had been going out with the guy for 9 months, as we stayed together for two years. It was my choice when I did this and it was beautiful. My friends tease me because I waited so long. I don’t know anyone who lost their virginity to someone who they were going out with, and I think that’s scary.
Thamk you so much for sharing with us Eliza. Seems to me young women are being sold a false version of empowerment. I’m sorry you were teased, the choice to wait for someone who actually cares for you, surely should be respected.
As a parent I have always made it clear to my teenagers that ‘schoolies’ is not an option. I have encouraged my children to seek alternatives and thankfully all three did. As a teacher, we seek to provide alternatives to the Gold Coast and seemingly more and more students are taking these alternatives at my school.
Young people need to be taught to take more pride in themselves and who they are. They also need to be taught to respect people regardless of what sex, or race, they are. The masses seem to be continuing to slide down the immoral hill. Goodness knows where the bottom is!
Thanks for taking the time to write this down Scarlett. You have brought attention to some issues around which there are so many double standards. It is such a gift that you were able to see what was happening in the way that you did…. You have articulated the pain the so many will have felt but could not put words to.
Hi , slowly very slowly this is starting to change… but thank you for showing me how I can stand up and be counted, by sharing your story, others will come out and we can’t change the world we live in by our own but together, we can make a difference.
At one point in time, Men thought of Woman, as the fairer sex, the weaker more delicate of the sexes, and yes even less capable then themselves. We now live in a world of projected equality, where young men just think of woman as ‘other people’ who need no special consideration that would vary from how they treat other young men. Unfortunately in this day and age that is with virtually no respect at all.
Having read the article and the responses (and other similar articles), one thing that stands out for me clearly is this persistent picture of all males schoolies being sexual predators and all females schoolies being the prey. What this means of course is that male schoolies, as predators, have different choices to their female counterparts i.e. for males, the choice is pursue or dont get involved in the hunt (and so what, it can be fun just standing back and watching, though you may bre called gay), while for female schoolies, the choice is either become the prey or run away (and perhaps be ostracised and die a lonely old bitch).
Geez, where have I seen this before. Wait a minute, that’s it – welcome to the real world, the way its always been, only today its more in our faces. Men chasing women, boys chasing girls and all other permutations and combinations. That which was once not even spoken about is now almost institutionalised practice amongst certain groups. But who can blame the young for acting this way. Individually, its not any one thing such as raunchy advertising, free availability of pornography, gratuitous sex and violence on television, offensive social media, girls dressing like prostitutes etc – its all of these things i.e. ITS THE CULTURE STUPID! (forgive the capitals, they are for effect). And the culture says – let girls dress scantily and drink in bars until they are paralytic, let boys pursue these drunk bitches, let modern songs/videos portray women as “ho’s”, let underage youth obtain and view whatever objectionable material they can get their hands on, let male schoolies have their way with female schoolies etc.
All of this exists in a world that adults have created and continue to perpetuate. Too late to turn back now, on to the abyss! Your children are not your own any more. They belong to big business and big business runs the world. Big business tells your children what they should look like, what they should eat and drink, how they should dress, how they should act etc. And sex and drugs is (unfortunately) the lingua franca of youth culture today.
So, you want to isolate an offensive radio announcer for sexist remarks? go for it. You want to ban suppliers who provide merchandise that show women as sex objects? do it. But guess what, IT WONT WORK. Its like holding back a tsunami with a folding chair. For every one you defeat, ten more pop up in their place.
What you really need is major cultural shift, where all the pretention and contradictionsare removed from society (one could start with that Sex and the City crap for starters). A society where the differences between men and women are recognised and celebrated, but where one gender does not dominate or denigrate the other. But this sort of change cant just be driven by a small group of feminists who portray themselves as ball busters. It really starts with a mass awakening and acknowledgement amongst different cohorts that there is something really badly wrong with our society and there has to be change. For schoolies, this could mean female schoolies in one or more Australia schools saying, I dont wish to participate in these activities as they operate but that does not make me any less of a person. Once this happens and the movement starts to spread, a tipping point is eventually reached and change becomes embedded. Worth thinking about.
The attittude of males is becoming more and more disgusting. Equally because of social pressure the lengths girls are going to to ‘seek’ attention and compete with other females for ‘hottest’ is getting more and more ridiculous to match. We need to work on sefl esteem for women as whilst men are being allowed to treat females the way they do, they will continue to lose respect. Education is key.
The Gold Coast is a terrible place anyway for attitudes against girls and women. The amount of serial rapists we have walking around who haven’t been caught for numerous reasons, not excluding the fact the system makes it such a horrific ordeal for the women themselves is unbealievable. I am aware of a particular ex cruiseship singer that uses date sites to meet women and has a history since his teens of rape, where the victims have been intimidated not to go to court, so the police just have to sit and wait and hope another woman comes along who will have the strength to report him, despite the huge record of violence he has and as I was told when I challenged him ‘for women who challenge him it did not end well’ so not sure what that meant. The fact we live in a world where a guy who since his teens on the Gold Coast has harrassed, stalked and threatened around 1-2 women per WEEK (myself included) and also raped several but never been convincted (but it is on his record that he did, but the women dropped the cases before trial due to how harrowing it was going to be, or his intimidation). shows just what kinds of attitudes we have….as it appears this is not a rare occurance and it isn’t just with the youngers as this man is 38.
We live in a society where as women, we have to educate, we have to get our self esteem, we have to make sure we understand we can defend ourselves and we have to realise being hte hottest is the last of our priorities, being ourselves is the first.
Thankyou Scarlett for being brave enough and strong enough to tell your story.
I have educated my own daughter, 17 nearly 18, to be an individual and to make her own decisions about what is right for her and what is not. She has expressed to me on more than one occasion her disgust for the way boys treat girls in society these days and how the girls accept it, sometimes even though they know it is degrading and even how they choose to behave, especially under the influence of alcohol. We are fortunate to have sent her to a Jesuit College that organises all of the mandatory end of year 12 celebrations over both days on the weekend of schoolies thereby preventing any student from attending. It is a dignified and fitting end to the education of these young men and women and all parents are grateful that it is done this way.
I have to agree with the comments from GuitarmanWA totally. It is a societal set of behaviours that have been encouraged and perpetuated by adults and until concerned adults such as ourselves take steps to educate others, put pressure on industry and reverse these attitudes then nothing much will change. At the present time the best we can do is educate our own sons and daughters and spread the word as vehemently as possible. I, for one, will be one of those people.
Equality should be a right for all, regardless of sex, race or religion.
In the book the Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf..an insightful observation is made by her and others about how women are conditioned by this society to see themselves as sluts and whores..worthy of rape. Young women would do well to be informed of this RUSE/TRICK played by the Pornographer Patriarchs on us all…it may help break a cycle.