Melinda Tankard Reist
Rosie became pregnant at 17 last year. She was labelled a slut. Melissa, 14, ran away from home so her parents couldn’t force her to have an abortion.
Jackie, 33, had a violent partner who didn’t want their baby. There was no public housing available and refuges were full. She slept in her car.
Kat, 32, was threatened by her boyfriend. She says: ”I decided when I saw my little boy kicking on the screen I was going to keep him. I knew this would make me a single parent – I had been told in no uncertain terms I was on my own unless I ‘toed the line’.”
These are just some of the stories of women I am aware of who decided to have a child in difficult circumstances – even though it meant bearing the label ”single mother”, with all its alienation and stigma.
They wanted their babies. They were determined to be the best mothers they could be. All did it tough. But their love for their child pulled them through. It’s the kind of love you need when you’re being marginalised, told you are a bludger and a leech. Even that you are to blame for the ills of the world.
Senator Cory Bernardi in his book The Conservative Revolution suggests there are higher levels of criminality among boys and promiscuity among girls ”who are brought up in single-parent families, more often than not headed by a single mother”. Read more here
See also: ‘Please understand what it is to be pregnant and unsupported: two women appeal to MPs’, MTR, January 9, 2014
9 Responses
I found Melinda’s comments as published in the SMH on Jan.12 in responding to Cory Bernardi insightful, logical and valuable I hope that she continues to express her point of view.
Well said.
However, I don’t believe this is an attack on single mothers as is being portrayed in the media. I think what Cory was merely trying to communicate was that single parenting is not ‘ideal’. It doesn’t mean it’s bad and that every child from a single parent home is going to be messed up. Any single parent can attest to the fact it’s not an ideal scenario and they would much rather be tackling the challenge with a loving, supportive partner rather than alone.
I don’t like that single mum’s (many of whom are my friends) feel attacked because I think this is just the usual case of the media sensationalising a conservative viewpoint and really, I think many single parents would agree that it’s not ideal and that children CAN benefit from both a mother AND a father. I think it’s okay to say that.
I LOVE what you said about not simply being “anti-abortion”. The question I often ask is, okay, if you are anti-abortion then what are YOU going to do about these unwanted children. Will you, mr politician, put your hand up and open your home as a foster carer? Adopt them? The answer is usually no. Therefore I agree, don’t go around saying you are anti-abortion is you are not prepared to provide an alternative or support for these beautiful women who are worthy of compassion and grace. Anyone who spends their energy complaining about the problem should instead consider how they can become apart of the solution.
I raised my children on my own, it was hard but they turned out to be decent people, I understand that Cory wasn’t setting out to demean people like me, however his language says otherwise, he must be careful about generalising, there is a wide spectrum of single parents and for all sorts of reasons we found ourselves without supporting partners.It is not black and white
Today we had two single mothers and their combined 10 children in our home. Both live on just $20 /week after rent, electricity, gas and food. Neither can afford to own or run a car. All 10 precious children are full of hope and curiosity about the world around them. How long til the reality of their poverty crushes joy and hope? Those of us with more need to share our wealth. These women have been brave enough to flee dysfunctional and violent relationships. Let’s step up wherever we are and lean in to support such families.
‘Senator Cory Bernardi in his book The Conservative Revolution suggests there are higher levels of criminality among boys and promiscuity among girls ”who are brought up in single-parent families, more often than not headed by a single mother”.
Hmm Cory wonder who impregnated these women given you claim ‘higher levels of criminality among boys but not higher levels of promiscuity among boys!’
Cory is saying the same same old women-hating lies because some women dare not to be sexually owned by men! Some women do not marry the men who father their children; some women divorce the father of their children and some women leave their violent male partner who fathered their children!
Cory believes women must be sexually owned by men before the woman dares to ‘have the man’s child (sic) because she is merely a receptacle for his child. This is why Cory is promoting those old debunked male created women hating lies concerning women who raise their child/children without mandatory male presence controlling their lives.
Women not men have the fundamental right of deciding when and if they they will terminate a pregnancy and yet men continue to proclaim women have no right of ownership and control over their bodies because women exist to serve men since women are not autonomous human beings unlike men!
Children don’t need the mandatory father figure in their lives because being the father of a child does not automatically mean the father is a ‘good parent.’ But as usual being male is sufficient in itself whereas women who become mothers must adhere to impossible male standards in order to qualify ‘as the good mother!’ All children need a loving parent which means sex of the parent is not as important as the parent providing a loving environment for their child.
Male Supremacist System has always punished women who dare to raise their child/children without the mandatory presence of the male. There are no ‘single mothers’ – but there are innumerable courageous women raising their child/children without the mandatory male presence and this is what men such as Cory loathe because these women are daring to lives without being owned by men!
Thankyou so much for your article.
I am a single mother and I became one to protect my children from a destructive domestic situation which was beginning to impact on them.
If not for my parents, the children and I would be living in the car.
Single mothers are hero’s. We struggle with malevolent ex partners, we raise children to become constructive members of society and we do so under absolutely extreme conditions of emotional turmoil and economic hardship.
I’ve totally had it with idiots like Corey Bernadi taking the moral high ground. He is another example of someone the White Ribbon Campaign and the General Australian Public should be targeting for re-education and public ridicule.
It’s a sad fact that politicians and policy makers base their work on figures and data, rather on human experience and real people. I haven’t read Cory Bernardi’s book, but I would like to see the data evidence he has used to make his claims about single parenting. He’s pulled his points out of somewhere, so let’s see them and add it to the discussion. I’m a single parent widow, and have been so since pregnant with my youngest child. Ten years later and my daughters are becoming kind, compassionate and responsible young people, and, dare I say, more open-minded than our current leaders.
I’m the child of a single mum who at times had to rely on welfare. As far as I’m aware I’m not a criminal. Oh and I smashed my HSC and have a masters degree. But to be honest, I usually forget that I had a single mum. It was definitely always my dad who was the problem. He was the full package- alcoholic, violent, abusive, used his child to hurt his ex. Bernardi’s comments are so moronic… My mum and I knew perfectly well that our family situation fell short of ideal, as if we wouldn’t have rather had a decent husband/father than the loser we got. She didn’t attack family values she did the best to hold a family together with the bad hand that she had been dealt.
This whole THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY IS GOLD STANDARD SO SHUT UP approach is utterly baffling. Do these people seriously think 1. anybody really needs to be told this, especially single mums 2. that making sure we all know it, like really truly know it, does anything to actually promote a healthy social environment for parents and children?
I thought of a good analogy when talking about it on a friend’d FB – the ‘breast is best’ approach to feeding babies. Of course it is, but it’s not always possible and doesn’t suit everyone. Should we constantly rebuke women who for whatever reason end up formula feeding for the ‘sub optimal’ way they are feeding their child? Should we withhold formula from babies who are not getting enough breastmilk? Or do we want all children and mums to thrive, even when that means equipping them do something which isn’t gold standard?
I can’t help feeling that some on the right quietly believe that when the children of broken families or single mums don’t thrive, it serves them right. And then we wonder why so many women seek a quiet ‘out’ of their pregnancy 🙁