As published in the Canberra Times Jan 22, 2012
Most days when I turn on my computer I am offered wisdom on what would make me less angry about the treatment of women and girls, the issue I most care about.
This can be summarised as ‘MTR really needs a good f**k’.
And that’s a mild offering.
I receive, through twitter, email and my blog threats of violence and sexual abuse. Explicit descriptions of what a man (anonymous, though identifying as male) would like to do to me. And a couple of death threats. Some people have tried to post child porn in the comments section of my website.
I am asked to send in pictures for ‘arse’ or ‘boob’ appreciation societies.
Of course I am not the only one. Online vilification happens to many women who are subjected to a virtual gang bang. If we protest we are told we have no sense of humour. Rape threats are just for LULZ, don’t we know?
In the last week I have received so much e.hate I have had to disengage. I am told to ‘block the bullies’. I don’t have that many hours.
It’s not that I don’t expect strong reactions to my strongly expressed views. If I were thin-skinned I’d hardly put out a book titled Big Porn Inc: Exposing the harms of the global pornography industry. I’d be writing about puppies, kittens and fluffy bunnies instead.
But there is so little engagement with or critique of my arguments. Instead, aggression and intimidation seem to have become generally accepted as a legitimate means of making a point, especially since the advent of new media forms.
It’s the wild west. All the norms and expectations of civil discourse have gone. Social media lacks the inbuilt filtering system of traditional media.
This corrosive behaviour contributes to a narrowing of public debate because many don’t want to participate when they are eviscerated in a savage online environment.
I propose that we try to work out decent ground rules. We tell children that sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will never harm us. We know that it is not true, that words can harm.
Consider the “word crimes” of blackmail, invasion of privacy, sexual or racial intimidation and harassment, conspiracy, extortion, libel, fraud, misrepresentation: all are areas where harmful speech is entitled to regulation and redress. All are areas that give us principles on which to formulate ground rules for social media communication.
No one has a right not to be offended, but everyone has a right not to be harmed by others whether in actions or words. Do no harm is a universal precept.
Also published in the Sunday Age Jan 22, 2012
36 Responses
There’s an old joke about the internet. A dog is sitting at a computer, and the caption reads “On the internet, nobody knows that you are a dog” (or cat or fish etc). And so it goes, the internet provides an ideal environment for what I called hit and run discourse i.e. an anonymous person runs in, lands a punch, then retreats and from a safe distance and looks at the effect of that punch. Then someone else does the same, and so on. Much like what happens when a single person is attacked by a crowd of thugs. The victim never knows where the next punch is coming from or who is landing the punches.
Melinda, you are getting more than a generous amount of sucker punches from those who I assume would wet themselves if they were required to stand up to you toe to toe. Those with so called balls dont really have them when it comes to the clinch. People with no guts or integrity feel safe behind the anonymity of their computer screens. But you are out there on the frontline and everyone knows who you are and what you stand for. You are making a difference by doing what you believe in which, in my opinion, makes you special. You speak the truth for those who are perhaps afraid to speak or feel helpless, and you do it in an intelligent and researched manner. That’s how you make social change but it comes at a cost. So bring the balance back. You are a real lady. If only you were a man – you would be perfect!
Hear, hear, Melinda. Keep up the great work, you are fighting a good fight.
Here here, GuitarmanWA!
Melinda, you stood up for me and you have given me the strength to stand up for myself and for other women. You are doing such a good job, and your efforts are being paid forward. You are making a difference and your presence is felt. I was afraid to speak out until I discovered your work. I understand what you mean about being abused or attacked or belittled for your beliefs. It has happened to me too and I often feel like giving up and shutting up.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your hard work. I often tell my husband that I don’t know how you can continue on with the level of hate and vitriol that you receive from idiots (most of which are probably uneducated about women’s issues). You’re a very brave woman. An inspiration for many.
I for one am glad you’re a part of my world. Many many many years from now, when you’re gone, you will be remembered. Your body of work will live on, touching the lives of many more. The people who hate on you will not be remembered at all, for anything.
Stand strong Melinda. You are on the side of all that is good and right. Many of us out here appreciate what you do and admire you greatly. Well said GuitarmanWA. You are so right – those who swing punches from behind their computers are cowards. Keep up the great work Melinda.
I agree!
You are under attack because you have hit a nerve. They are like children having a toy confiscated! Most have no courage because they remain hidden. They care about little except themselves and their needs. They have rights to Porn, but you don’t have rights to a safe environment to work from or live in.
I wish there was a way to hold them accountable.
I stand behind you 100%
You cannot do all things, so I will lift you up to the one who can!
Be strong and of good courage!
I have been more than appalled by the outright bullying and abuse that exists, but the bullying that shocks me most is what comes from people who are in their own way fighting a battle to be acknowledge, validated and accepted. Wow it just makes no sense, leaves me feeling quite cautious and mistrusting of people even more than I perhaps already do. I know there are issues I agree with you on and other issues I perhaps don’t understand, and things I might take an indifferent or opposite stance, but that is true for most poeple we cross paths with, isn’t it? I have said before I really don’t know how you keep going and even more now. Many of the arguments I saw were personal, they didn’t create opportunity for disucssion which I did attempt to point that out but was bombarded with links to all sorts of things which was more of the same, rather than any intelligent discussion. I gave up there were just too many of them and their biased nasty comments. Throughout it all though my observation was only one side was carrying on like school yard bullies, chanting and taunting all the time. I suspect hoping for some small comment or response so they could whip themselves into an even bigger frenzy. Your dignity and grace to step aside and leave them to it was quite powerful and perhaps more effective. Words do harm and while the comments were directed at you, by default it attacks those who share your opinions and ideas in many areas and perhaps even the areas they care about. I don’t know what the answer is, it is not something I think anyone should have to put up with or tolerate. So all I can say is thanks for the work you do, thanks for the example you are and for caring more about our society than many of us who reap the benefits.
I can’t even imagine the horrific things people say to you, but I want you to know that among the trolls there are young women like me that are absolutely inspired by what you do. There are not many women in the media that have the strength to stick to their guns in spite of the consequences. And for that I thank you.
Hey Melinda, glad you took a break, not glad about why you needed to. As one of the many people who appreciate the work you do (and try to contribute albeit in a small way myself) I wanted to say thanks for all of it. For standing up for our children, for being unwilling to cower in the corner, for supporting others to be strong and brave and most of all for doing so with a sense of humour and compassion. Keep up the awesome work, we plan to keep up our small part as well.
cheers
ann
Melinda, Well over 1,000 people have attended my training over the last 2 years. You get a mention to every audience and rigourous debate follows close behind that (we talk about women, body image, anxiety and eating disorders).
Not one person has spoken a nasty word about you. Most people have have admired you, even if they have disagreed with you.
Keep up the great work. You are truly admired and respected by many.
Despite the fact that I disagree with many of your sentiments, but respect the work and change you’re achieving.
I do agree that everyone has the right to go about their work without fear of being harmed.
There is a fine line between regulation and censorship however, and as a blogger, and someone who has been the target of some atrocious threats and insinuations – you take it to another level being in the public sphere.
All I can suggest is that you take your new found fame, and use it for some good. Get some decent moderation tools, report the illegal actions (death threats should never be tolerated) and publish only what is in the best interests of your cause.
As I say, I don’t agree with many of your sentiments – but it is utterly wrong that you become the victim of cyber bullying for standing up for what you believe in.
Melinda I assure you..there are many, many men..fathers out here who are so grateful for your work and courage to speak up for all people on this subject of rampant pornography ruining lives. The reason why there are fathers who are glad for people like you and Gail Dines and others who have the guts to advocate for change…is because they are carrying a burden of guilt and soul destroying anger for crimes of the most heinous sexual assaults committed against their daughters..their babies…their very young daughters by pedophiles..repeat offender rapists..who all called their daughters SLUTS and whores while they damaged them for LIFE..fear not..you have a big army of good and STRONG men with you and sisters across the demographics as well..we are alllll watching out for you..millions of us. Z
P.S.JUST to clarify..those Fathers i mentioned…the guilt they carry is for not having being able to protect their beautiful daughters from the pornographied predator men who committed the crimes against their daughters…they KNOW now…after their heartbreaking experiences..that PORNOGRAPHY was a big contributor to the motivations of the sex offenders…
I share your concern about the standard of discourse in our culture. It is almost impossible to have an intelligent debate with someone who disagrees with you anymore. Instead we are saturated with cowardly hit and run attacks or moronic ad hominem attacks. The greater tragedy is that half of Australia probably doesn’t know what an ad hominem attack is, although they are pretty good at them. It seems vitriol, aggro and name-calling have replaced reason and respect. Sadly our leaders lead by example. Question time is a disgrace. Time and again in trying to discuss issues with friends (and strangers) the best on offer is usually little more than repeating a media soundbite.
I respect those who may differ on the issue of porn, objectification and commercialisation – but I expect them to argue the case and dissect their opponents arguments while critically examining their own. Is that too much to ask?
Scare tactics, Appeal to Force, Ad Baculum.
We’re certainly not completely rational creatures are we. This could serve as an interesting test as to how primitive humans can be.
Seriously it’s quite pathetic really.
The kind of behavior individuals expect to NOT recieve from other people, well alas how often this is the first kind of behavior to be expressed.
I could go on for days – respect for MTRs paradigm and consistence.
I’m appalled at the level of hatred and outright, undisguised, relentless bullying that’s been directed at you. It makes me feel sick… and that’s only what I have SEEN. I don’t even want to think about the nature of what is sent to you privately. I wish you didn’t have to think about it either.
I’m so sorry this is what you face. I’m sorry that it happens, and I’m sorry that the issues you talk about are apparently so pervasive that people feel incredibly threatened when you challenge them. That’s a sad, sad comment on our society.
Thank you for your courage and your willingness to keep challenging the so-called norm. We’re behind you. Actually no – we stand beside you, not behind.
Funny, isnt it, that not one of those vilifiers has been brave enough. to say anything in a forum where a name is required.
Whenever you stand up for what is right you are going into a battle. Your bravery is admirable.
Melinda, I think you are amazing and as a young woman I am so thankful for the stand you take.
Thank you for educating me on the issues and for giving me the courage to also take a stand.
Stay strong in the Lord and the power of His might – You can and should lean on Him.
Please know that I and others are praying for you x
Compared to your critics, it seems that the only ‘crimes’ you commit are:
having a broad sociological imagination;
a conscience that deems your beliefs should not be overwhelmed by the majority, and;
the integrity to stand up for them
…and, supported by global human rights, I hardly think your actions are anywhere near as damaging as the acts of child traffickers, pornography moguls and emotionally abusive individuals?
The result, however, makes my job as a social worker all the more fulfilling and gives me the energy to keep on keeping on.
It is not a crime- rather, it is a gift. So thankyou Melinda- I like you.
You claim folk won’t engage with you. People have been trying to get you to explain further your ideas, and you’ve avoided these people and the opportunities like the plague.
What’s more, you’ve even announced you want to sue one site that has tried to gain your participation.
Or do you lack the courage of your convictions, in avoiding engagement, which is increasingly my take on you.
Shadow puppetry and a soft audience is no substitute for actual engagement. Try some where the ideas can be tested, for the sake of all concerned.
I see to recall trying to post here in the past and finding no sign of the post in the comments section later.. Others have commented on this trait, in similar terms.
I actually don’t have a duty to respond to everyone who makes comments to or about me on the internet. I give talks in many forums, I write and engage often. My ideas are contained in four books (so far). My views are public and well known. But when the comments are based on ill will or inaccurate, I find that replying to them often doesn’t correct the record at all, but simply leads to another volley of ill will and even violent threats.
I am entitled to respond to false statements that are intended to mislead others and to harm my work and reputation, by articulating my legal and moral rights.
I also am under no obligation to publish every critic. I don’t have to pay for their soapbox.
Thanks.
My husband often wisely points out, that people are much more likely to engage online in argument with something they disagree with or find threatening, than they are with something the like or agree with. Doesn’t make the e.hate ok by any means but just imagine, for every troll wasting time attempting to intimidate, there must be at least 10 people who read something about you and went ‘hm, that’s great, what a champ’ and got on with their day! You’re making a difference. Proud to support you.
I actually get so frustrated when feminist bloggers take the stand of screening out dissenting viewpoints from the comments, then justifying it by saying that they have no desire to listen to rude, offensive people who just slag them out (Tiger Beatdown is the other offending party I have in mind, here). That’s conflating the issue. I’ve been quite fortunate to be published on here a few times, even though I disagree with most of the things that I am responding to. But not everything I post has been approved. I don’t call you disparaging names, and as they say in High Fidelity, “HOW can an OPINION be bullshit?!”
In running my own blog, I always aim to give equal airing to both sides. Even if I completely disagree with dissenters, I think that we can have a dialogue. That’s what’s so great about the internet. I’m not ashamed to admit that I hate confrontation. But I’m still willing to give people a go. So while I appreciate some of the logic behind comment screening, I think some of the censorship choices are misguided.
Thanks Rebecca. I don’t only publish those who agree with me as you know. But I’m not only referring to those sending critical (not just critical, aggressive and abusive) comments to me through my blog. I’m also referring to those who want to take apart women writers I post here, including sexual assault survivors. I’ve always wanted my blog to be a safe space for women. If they don’t feel safe to post here because of what they might cop, then I don’t want to risk their alientation from my blog.
Also to Paul: I will be going into detail on all that has happened and addressing false claims at some stage, when matters are resolved. This is the appropriate thing for me to do, as advised by my lawyers.I really can’t say any more for the time being.
I just wanted to tell you what an absolutely amazing job you are doing. I am so unbeliveably encouraged by your tenacity and gumption. You are a wonderful role model to women and girls in standing up for values. I know it must be incredibly hard each day, with the opposition you face and the issues you expose, but know that you are changing the world. I do not want to think about where the world would be without Melinda Tankard Reist in it.
There are so many people out there, including me, who are blessed by the stance you make, influenced by the words you speak and encouraged by the convictions you pursue. Please continue the work you are doing, our future generations need people like you. I honestly do not understand how some people can oppose you, when you are standing up for all that is good. But know that, while it may feel like there are so many people who are against you, there are so many more for you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your work but also for who you are as a person. Thank you for all the times you have spoken up when you wanted to be quiet. Thank you for all the issues you have brought to light when it would have been easier to keep them in the dark. Thank you for bringing a voice to values and for standing by the conviction that the world should be free of sexplotation. Thank you so much Melinda!
I have only just discovered you Melinda after seeing you on ABC one plus one. You are truly an inspiration and such a wonderful role model. As a mum of young boys I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom and bravery in relation to your stance on pornography. I am praying for you.
Dear MTR,
Keep up the good work. At Bankstown Women’s Health Centre we disagree with some of your views on certain topics (mainly just one) but despite this we are always ready to support you on the issues that we both agree about, sexualisation of children, harms of female objectification, etc.
I would rather us find strength in our commonalities than weaken all of our positions by nit-picking about our differences.
All the best,
xo
Kristina
Thanks for much Kristina. I so appreciate what you’ve said about finding strength in commonalities. Look forward to collaborting more with you this year.
Melinda
The reason that I find your claims to be a feminist offensive is your anti choice stance.
I have articulated this on some of the other forums you cite in your blog.I’m sure you and your sock puppets have read them.
To me, pro choice is a fundamental tenet of feminism.
I am a survivor/thriver of child sexual assault and rape. I cannot abide the thought that I would have to bear the perpetrators child, and in view of this, I will always fight for a womans’ right to choose. I have worked in sexual assault services, law reform and counselling for many years. None of the women I have worked with over the many years of this expressed anything but relief at being able to access safe, legal abortion if necessary.
Being old enough to remember when abortion was illegal, and the death of a neighbours mother due to an illegal abortion, I am avowedly pro choice. Seven children left without a mother, and the priest told them that their mother ‘would not go to heaven ‘due to the nature of her death’. My mother was so horrified that she threw him out of the house, and my mother was a deeply religious woman. And she never tried to hide her convictions either, and she taught me to do the same.
You say ‘first do no harm’ – to remove the choice of a woman to a safe legal abortion, for what ever reason she chooses to have a termination – is to do harm.
I will challenge any person who attempts to remove this right, even though my own fertile years are far behind me.
Thanks Lorraine. Re your comments elsewhere, no, I haven’t read them. I’m not online much these days. If by sock puppets you mean my friends and supporters, I don’t know if they have read them either (as an aside all the women in my life are independent thinkers and make their own judgements).
I am sorry to hear what you have been through.
I also grieve the women who lost their lives in the ‘bad old days’. Sadly women continue to die and be maimed and injured (physically and mentally) as a result of so called safe legal abortion. You may have heard of the recent death of a woman at the late term abortion clinic in Croyden, Melbourne. I documented others in my first book, but there are more since then.
What that priest said was appalling. I’m glad your mother threw him out.
My focus has not been on legal change. It has been trying to remove the structural conditions that compel women to the abortion clinic. Many women are having unwanted abortions. It would be good if we could agree that they shouldn’t have to.
Melinda, I respect your views and your courage. I want to express to you that no-one, ever, regardless of their views, should be subjected to “e hate” and, specifically, most detailed descriptions of sexual violence against them. What kind of barbarism is that?
I applaud your call for a new legal way to bring to account people who threaten violence against others (in this case women). Wild West indeed. Isn’t it informative that these men who perceive you, no doubt, as threatening their access to ‘pornographic life’, feel they should sexually violate you to “teach you a lesson”. Gee, big guys these. What heroes.
There should be some new charge of “intended sexual assault” invented.
Some time behind bars for such folks would teach them about how fun sexual violence is. Maybe re-calibrate their concepts of freedom a little. Not long ago, no literate man would have dared to write such garbage to a woman. It’s very sad, and should be “outed” for what it is: gutless, mindless “intended” extreme violence.
Regards,
Sam McNally.
Musician, writer.
and ……….
It’s more than a little bit challenging, being threatened with violence
because you have taken a stance against violence, and violence against women.
It beggars belief that in a sophisticated civilization like Australia, people can
use language that puts them on the level of the alleged (I assume it’s true, though)
community public rape groups, in Pakistan and/or India.
I’d be betting there a whole lot of “ordinary guys” out there – “even” guys who enjoy
pornography regularly, etc etc – who feel “hey this is really indecent, the way
this MTR woman is being responded to, I don’t like this………”. It’s another
thing to actually write in. I was touched by the sheer hurtfulness and awfulness
of what you described, that’s why I wanted to say something. I imagined if
my girlfriend or sister had been “spoken to” in such a way, how would I feel.
Don’t lose hope in the basic goodness of the ordinary folks out there.
There’s a whole lot of not good people who shout out when their turf is
threatened. That’s all they’ve got going on in their lives. They need
mercy and understanding. Failing that, a stretch in detention.
Best wishes,
Sam McNally.
Dear Melinda
With two teen daughters, I joined Collective Shout and appreciate the stand you are taking.
We have all read Miranda Devine’s article. It’s yet another perfect example of how intolerant and self-righteous the ‘tolerant’ are. Predictable how they become the very thing they claim to hate, and prove this by their actions when shown the truth of any matter.
So in regards to the bullies, the vocal minorities, the downright evil out there- keep doing what you are doing. Their response means that you are on precisely the right track.
Oh, and don’t waste your time and energy reading the vitriol that they write about you and to you…
Rather take out your ruler, and simply measure it !
Dear MTR,
It has to be said that few people respond to such undeserved verbal (and written) assualt with the grace and dignity you have.
I’m old enough to remember a pre-internet age when people were brought up to respect each other’s views regardless of whether they agreed with them or not. In that age it was certainly NOT ok to respond to a different opinion with threats of sexual assault or worse either verbally or in any other way. Kids respected their elders, their teachers and authority.
It seems the age of respect and tolerance faded with the rise of the net. Like everything else it’s a two edged sword. The very thing that allows you a wide audience and the freedom of speech is also the medium that brings abuse for the same freedom of speech.
There’ll always be some moron that thinks it’s ok to inflict violence on someone they perceive to be weaker. Stopping it altogether may be beyond the power of one person but perhaps becoming the change we want to see in this (and so many areas) will begin a tsunami of respect in the generations to come.
Thanks for having the courage to stand up for what you believe in, and stand your ground when you’re presented with so many reasons to do otherwise.
After hearing you speak a few years ago, I and a group of friends were inspired to take a stance on the early sexualisation of children. I’ve now been a member of Collective Shout for some time, and I am always inspired by your calm, reasoned approach when debating on air or on television.
As a now semi regular commentator on a variety of websites, I’ve just now begun to really understand what kind of vitriol you have experienced online. Just recently I was called “insane” for suggesting that feminism and faith, and feminism and support for alternatives to abortion were possible.
Unfortunately for some people, when they can either hide behind an assumed name, or write, rather than speak, they become rude, nasty and aggressive. I’m often appalled at the hate that spews forth, even on moderated forums.
Melinda, you inspired me to speak out. I would hope that women everywhere can be mature enough to celebrate our similarities, and agree to disagree on the differences, with no need to indulge in petty name calling or threats of violence. Respect and courtesy are the signs of maturity, anything else usually means immaturity, or insecurity.
Thankyou for your steadfast stance, supporting women and girls – and by extension, men and boys.
Just wanted to thankyou, Melinda, for your work, the articulation of your views, and for your thick skin.