Nicole Jameson
Time magazine threw fuel on the fires of the Mummy Wars last week, with its controversial feature story on Attachment Parenting. Or – and probably more to the point – with its controversial cover picture, featuring 26-year-old Jamie Lynn Grumet posing somewhat cooly while her almost four-year-old son stood on a child-sized chair and fed from her exposed breast.
The magazine cover, of course, went viral, sparking conversation and debate all the way from the blogosphere to the mainstream print media. Many were wondering about attachment parenting – and if breastfeeding chair-standing man-children was really part of the deal and if it’s what you have do to do be ‘Mom Enough’?
While standing up isn’t my preferred method of feeding my babies, I am committed to attachment parenting including extended breastfeeding. But I’m afraid the authentic message of this style of baby raising is being drowned out by TIME’s controversial cover.
According to Dr William Sears, pediatrician, father of 8 and founder of the modern Attachment Parenting movement,
“Attachment parenting is an approach to raising children rather than a strict set of rules. Certain practices are common to AP parents; they tend to breastfeed, hold their babies in their arms a lot, and practice positive discipline, but these are just tools for attachment, not criteria for being certified as an attached parent. So forget the controversies about breast vs bottle, crying it out or not, and which methods of discipline are acceptable, and go back to the basics. Above all, attachment parenting means opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby and letting your knowledge of your child be your guide on making on –the-spot decisions about what works best for both of you. In a nutshell, AP is learning to read the cues of your baby and responding appropriately to those cues.” (The Attachment Parenting Book)
Breastfeeding children past infancy is all about bonding. Breastfeeding, says Dr Sears, “is the prime example of the mutual giving at the heart of attachment parenting, since both babies and mothers benefit from breastfeeding.”
And therein lies the rub. The benefit of breastfeeding to a baby is, to most, without question. But mothers? Surely breastfeeding is not for the benefit of the mother, beyond the self-sacrificial joy of providing for her little one? A burden, of sorts, gladly borne, but primarily for the sake of the beloved child. Weaning is liberation, from baby and from home. And with formula and cow’s milk so easily available in the West, the choice to continue breastfeeding once that child no longer physiologically requires it is baffling to many.
But extended breastfeeding is a choice, and a valid one at that. For some women, it is a choice pursuant to attachment parenting. For others, it is easier to allow a toddler to continue nursing than to enforce weaning. And for some women, probably more than will admit, breastfeeding is a source of pleasure, one which they themselves are unwilling to relinquish until it is absolutely necessary.
The notion of maternal pleasure in breastfeeding is one of the great taboos of Western culture. Because everyone knows that breasts are instruments of beauty, lovely sexual orbs manifested primarily for the enjoyment of men and the advertisement of Lynx deodorants. To enjoy breastfeeding – or for that matter co-sleeping, or popping your baby in a sling instead of a pram -is nothing less than socially deviant behaviour.
Look no further than a 2009 poll of Australians, which revealed that nearly a third of Australians felt that women should not breastfeed their babies beyond six months and that young adults aged 18-24 were the least supportive of a woman’s (and baby’s) right to breastfeed in public.
Yet among this same demographic, wearing the image of a woman’s exposed breasts or buttocks printed on a t-shirt is considered fashionable.
In a pornified world, breasts are to be seen only in terms of sexual gratification, even in breast cancer awareness campaigns.
It should be of no surprise, then, that of the four families photographed for Time’s cover story, it was Jamie Lynne Grumet who was chosen for the cover image. Jamie Lynn Grumet, conventionally attractive young blonde, tightly braless as her camouflage-pants-clad preschooler stared down the camera instead of up into his mother’s lovely face. Jamie Lynn Grumet, sexpot MILF who just loves to nurse.
By sexualising the cover image for their Attachment Parenting feature, Time hit the viral media jackpot, and affirmed the relevancy of print media in an e-world. But did anyone read the story? Time had the opportunity to explore motherhood and the individuality of each parent-child bond, to validate the mundane and empower women who make countercultural parenting choices. Instead, they chose to cash in on cookie-cutter sexploitation and mum-vs-mum sensationalism. A sadly predictable choice, but one which ultimately does neither women nor motherhood any great favours.
Nicole Jameson is an Adelaide-based mother of two and Collective Shout activist. While completing her Master of International Public Health she developed a keen interest in maternal and child health. She would have breastfed her three-year-old while writing this if he hadn’t gone and self-weaned nearly two years ago.
13 Responses
I am a social work student and so I am encouraged to view the world in terms of post-modernism (basically no single truth on any issue). I am also a Christian and so I find that some aspects of thinking critically are more challenging than others. I am married, as are most of my friends, however I do not have any children of my own, as most of my friends do. I have had discussions with my husband where he feels incredibly uncomfortable because some friends make no effort to cover their breast when feeding their child in public. He feels no concern over public breastfeeding but does not appreciate having that image of a friends bare breast burned into his mind.
We have discussed the topic of how long to breast feed a child as one of our married friends with a child wanted to breastfeed until her child was 2. As the only member of our social group with this mindset and having not grown up around breastfeeding, we both initially felt uncomfortable with the idea. We feel that we have been programmed to find it ‘creepy’ that a child who can speak (can ask for it) would be breastfed. Slowly the views are changing and we are able to acknowledge that we have been manipulated into these views. Why is it that amongst our social networks after a child has turned 1, it is inappropriate for them to be breastfed?
We haven’t reached a conclusion on this but after doing some reading, we agree that up to a certain age it becomes less practical for breast feeding to occur throughout the day along with other feeds. We also agree that there is a saddness for some women who cannot breast feed for as long as they had wanted (for various reasons such as the child having allergies). What we are not sure about, because of the sexualisation of breasts, is how old is too old? An extreme and highly unhelpful example of this is the depiction in the show Game of Thrones (rated R). I have been told that a character still breast feeds her (10yr old?) son to the point where he begs for it during the day. His attachment does not seem secure but rather quite damaged. This example does not help the masses to make informed and intelligent decisions. For those without children, this is merely a creepy example and argument on the side of limited breastfeeding.
As long as it is not hurting the child in any way and continues to be beneficial, surely breastfeeding should continue for as long as possible. However I still feel that I would feel more comfortable with a legal age limit for breastfeeding as I feel it could become a child protection issue if taken to extremes. Most mothers only want the best for their child and each of their views are going to alter and you need to be on guard when engaging with media and not just be a sheep 🙂
question about the first pic ‘baby wearing’. 2 things- is it anything more than just wearing your child in a sling etc? and it may just be the angle but with those particular carriers is there a breathing concern?
Wow, I hadn’t noticed the fact the boy in the picture is looking at the camera instead of his mother, which of course would be more natural. So horribly gonzo. Thanks for this beautiful piece of analysis. And great pics!
Sarah B suggested a legal age limit for breast feeding. Seriously?
Kids have access to porn almost anywhere, and we’re concerned about mothers feeding their children?
Hi Sarah, thanks for your comments!
Your husband is certainly not alone in experiencing discomfort when ‘a friend’s bare breast is burned into his mind’. However, I think that this is quite central to the point of how breasts have been so culturally sexualised, that we (men in particular, although certainly not only men) struggle to differentiate between a breast exposed for nursing, and a breast exposed sexually. I do believe most women are mindful of this, and seek to feed their babies ‘discreetly’ – the problem is how women are too often made to feel that the natural level of minor, nonsexual breast or nipple exposure during a feed is somehow inappropriate .
As for an ‘age limit’, I agree with Anna, that the forces sexualising children are so prevalent and numerous that extremely extended breastfeeding has got to be way down the list. In Australia we can barely get 40% of 6 month olds exclusively breastfed (if I remember correctly), children over 5 are not really what we need t be worrying about! 🙂
I think a legal age limit for breastfeeding is completely unnecessary. It seems to imply that at some point breastfeeding becomes a sexual act, which is not the case. Mothers are quite capable of working out when to wean their child. I understand that the World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding exclusively for 6 months, followed by breastfeeding plus solids for 2 years after that. There is no problem with feeding babies beyond that if both mother and child are happy.
Hi Berni,
‘Babywearing’ refers to intentionally wearing babies in a sling or carrier as you go about your everyday activities, although it can be interpreted in a range of ways – for me, it usually just means that I use a sling or carrier instead of a pram when out and about.
Re the pic, I promise, the baby can definitely breathe easily – wearing a baby in an upright carrier close to the chest is very safe when the sling is used properly!
Nicole
While nics take on this is somewhat interesting, I don’t I think her explanation of attachment parenting is very helpful.
Yes, every parent has the right to make the best decisions for their own child based on his/her needs. But when I have had conversations with parents who value attachment parentiing,it seems it’s either their way or the highway. They seem to be very opionated, have te last say & don’t back down. In my opinion constant baby wearing has some serious flaws, that attachment parents don’t seem to want to hear about. For instance, my children were worn in a sling, and as a result never learnt to self settle, and therefore had terrible sleep problems. My children were not an isolated example. I sought counselling and found out that this was all too common in baby wearing. I don’t feel guilty for wearing my children, and noone should, but I just feel the consequences need to be communicated. Nic, do you mind me asking whether your two boys sleep well, after having been worn. I’m guessing they don’t, but please correct me if I’m wrong – I hope I am 🙂
The first photo also terrifies me, as a friend of mine lost her child as he suffocated in a sling like that several years ago.
Yes, attachment parenting is a personal decision, but one that should not be made before hearing both sides of the story.
Thanks for your time 🙂
It is ridiculous in this day and age, with all the problems in the world, that people can make a big fuss of seeing breasts our for breastfeeding. Boobs are all over the place gratuitously. I used to have no problem wearing low cut tops, yet here I am feeling self conscious about showing as little as possible when breastfeeding. It’s ridiculous! If you want to complain about seeing boobs, spend your time writing to magazines, shops, television stations, advertising companies, strip clubs, etc. If you focus on the gratuitous flashing of breasts, not a bit seen here and there for feeding, you won’t have time to think about what breastfeeding mums are doing. At least the nipple is covered and a fair bit else when feeding.
I also don’t understand why it’s ok to be critical of breastfeeding mothers, but it’s not the done thing to comment on mothers who don’t breastfeed. If your body can make a baby, chances are it can feed it and as a baby is made to feed off it’s mother’s milk, why would you choose not to feed a baby this way? Shall we start bottle feeding pets and baby animals in the wild? Why not? Oh, because it’s interfering in nature.
I really cannot understand the problem with breastfeeding. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t look. You can turn away from other things, so don’t pretend it’s so hard not to look. I don’t really agree that the picture is such a problem and I think to refer to her as a ‘sexpot milf’ is a bit extreme. She looks like a normal attractive woman feeding her baby. Walk down the street and you’ll see much more exposed breast thanks to low cut tops and it’s important to show breastfeeding as normal to everyone, not just the homely or hippy types. Also, she needs to be somewhat attractive for people to take notice and get talking and to take away from attractive women being only for the pleasure of men.
Slings are great and important for baby, particularly in the first few months when the baby is still becoming accustomed to being separated from the mother’s body.The sound of a heartbeat and warmth of a body is very comforting to a new baby. It’s very important to hold a young baby as much as possible, but also to allow a lot of eye contact (esp through breastfeeding!). These slings can be dangerous, but as with all things, it’s up to the adult wearing the sling to use it responsibly. You must check your baby’s airways regularly and use a lot of common sense when positioning baby. I use one and am constantly checking the position of baby’s face. As for sleeping, this should not be affected. A secure baby with relaxed parents should slip into natural sleeping habits. Some will be difficult with or without a sling, some things are just easy scapegoats for a baby that doesn’t sleep well.
There is a lot of parent bashing that goes on in today’s society and perhaps it’s time to step back and support parents who are trying their hardest through any method rather than criticising. The natural way worked for many years, but many great people are being raised with modern convenience too. The main thing is to aim to raise a happy and secure person who is good to people and the world around them and who contributes to society in a positive way. Find something constructive to complain about and make a positive difference rather than complaining that something makes you a bit uncomfortable.
Hi Nicole,
What a great article! I absolutely agree that TIME has done mothers no favours. You articulate the issues beautifully.
We too are attachment parents and have found Sears to be the most helpful voice in the fraught years of early babyhood.
Lisa,
with regard to your questions about sling wearing and sleeping, my husband and I carried both our two children in slings just like the one Nicole is wearing for most of their first year and I can assure you that from considerably before the age of one they both settled into fairly consistent patterns of sleeping 11-12 hours a night. It was William Sears who came to our rescue then as well with his description of “night-time parenting” – the best advice about helping children to settle in their beds that we have ever found.
Thanks again, Nic! I look forward to seeing more posts like this from you!!!!
I agree with Sam – sexpot milf??? What the? The word milf makes me cringe a little anyway – so to hear it in this discussion is a little immature on Nics part – and a little judgemental. Yes, she is attractice, but can’t attractive people breastfeed too?
As a child psychologist and a mom, one of the things that is so misleading about attachment parenting is the name. It is only called attachment parenting because of the theory it was based upon. It is not called this because it is the only form of parenting which allows parents to develop a secure attachment relationship with their children. There are numerous ways to develop a secure attachment relationship with our kids. I explore more of this myth here for anyone who is interested:
http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/04/15/what-does-the-mommy-psychologist-have-to-say-about-attachment-parenting/
Hi Lisa, thanks for your thoughts.
The summary of attachment parenting above is directly quoted from the introduction to William and Martha Sears’ ‘Attachment Parenting Book’ -it’s a neat little distillation but I would of course recommend that anyone interested in AP get their hands on the book!
I’m sorry that you have had such negative experiences in your encounters with parents who practice AP. However I suspect these have far more to do with the ‘mummy wars’ than with any parenting style per se – women are under so much pressure to prove their worth and justify their parenting choices that even the tiniest points of difference can become competition or even playgroup bullying.
In our family we enjoy and are comfortable with our AP-based approach to childraising. But I’m not advocating attachment parenting, or any other philosophy, over another here. Rather, my concern lies with the right of women to be able to choose how they parent – even to make mistakes – free of such harsh judgment from themselves, each other and the media.
Nicole
PS So many commenters now have raised the issue of sling safety, that I would love to share this great little PDF of the TICKS principle for safe babywearing. In addition to this I would add, NEVER wear a jumper or fasten a jacket over the top of a baby in a sling, and NEVER use a ‘bag style’ sling. The vast majority of infant deaths in carriers (only one in Aust, the rest overseas) have been as a result of these last two factors. http://www.ozbabytrends.com.au/SafeBabywearing.PDF